Welcome to another laughed-packed installment of The Russell Hantz Comedy Hour aka Survivor: Zeroes vs. Varmints. This is one of the few seasons where we don’t have to bother keeping up with the contestants’ occupations, because this season all the contestants are professional DAWs. Without further ado, let’s get on with the show!!
Previously, the Zeroes and Varmints merged with even numbers. The Zeroes truly earned their tribe name by falling (hook, line and sinker) for Russell’s “I swear on my kids that I am on board with y’all” line when he promised to vote for Parvati. Sandra tried to warn them, but only Rupert would listen to her. He tried to tell the other Zeroes, but JT was 100% confident that Russell wasn’t playing them and was absolutely trustworthy. (HELLO, he’s on the Varmint side for a reason!!) Danielle won immunity. Amanda not-too-convincingly told Parvati that the Zeroes wanted her gone. Russell gave Parvati his hidden immunity idol, unaware that she already had another one. She was happy to have two little green men protecting her. The Zeroes voted Jerri instead of Parvati to test Russell’s loyalty. Parvati gave Sandra & Jerri her HIIs and JT officially relieved James of the stigma of being the Dumbest Survivor Ever (I know other people have done stupid things in other seasons. However, those were either seasons I didn’t watch or have forgotten). JT took his new crown, sash, trophy and scholarship money to the Ponderosa, where he announced his plans to start a new East Alabama chapter of the He-Man Women Haters Club. (Wouldn’t a coed Russell Haters Club be more appropriate?) Then Russell channeled Ricky Ricardo and whispered “Parvy, you got some ‘splainin to do.” Nine are left. Who will be voted out tonight?
Russell didn’t know Parvati had two idols. He wonders what the hell is up and confronts her. How dare she do that? Does she not know who she’s dealing with? He reminds her that he is the great, powerful, almighty and omnipotent Russell Hantz and there shall be no idols played which do not pass through his hands first. Otherwise she will suffer a slow, painful and tortuous walk of shame. She tells the troll to just chill out and get over it. He is pissed off that he is not in total control of the game any longer. That’s exactly what she (and everyone else on the planet) wanted - to see him squirm.
Rupert tried to tell the Zeroes what was up, but no one would listen to him, especially after he got sidetracked into the banana rationing business. He will work on Sandra and Amanda will work on everyone else to break up the powerful Varmint alliance. He tried to tell the other Zeroes not to trust Russell. Can they pull Sandra back in? Rupert hopes he can get her to open the door again. (You know the season is going downhill fast when RUPERT is the voice of reason!!!!!)
Russell and Candice are at the beach and he tells her to look deeeeeply into his eyes, and that she is getting verrrry sleepy. She’s impressed that he pulled a good one. He says it was no big deal, just a regular vote, regular night. The ship is sinking and one person has to jump and that one person is going to be very crucial to what happens later in the game. He doesn’t trust Sandra so he tries to pull Candice in. He tells her she may go to the top three if she flips. Russell thinks she’s ready to flip because her butt is in a sling right now and she has no other way to go. He guarantees her she won’t go as number six. He can’t promise her top three but it’s a strong possibility. She is now under his spell and tells him to just let her know. He tells Parvati and Danielle that Candice is the way to go. She has no other choice at this point. Who knows, she might be just gullible enough to bail him and his buddy Boo out the next time they decide to slap some women around at Bootlegger’s.
The reward challenge is Survivor shuffleboard. Three random teams are assembled. The team whose puck ends up closest to the X wins reward. Parvati hopes that she, Danielle, Russell or Jerri get to go on the reward trip and find the clue to the hidden immunity idol.
Black team: Candice, Parvati, Jerri
Red: Sandra, Russell, Rupert
Blue: Danielle, Amanda, Colby
Blue team wins reward: a trip to author Robert Louis Stevenson’s home which is now a museum, food and a chance to sleep in a real bed, relax and forget all about the game (yeah, right). Little Miss Desperada gets a wild look in her eyes and becomes obsessed with finding the clue to the hidden immunity idol, making her intentions totally obvious as she fingers everything in the museum. She has to get it and won’t leave there without it.
All three are lying on one bed watching Treasure Island. (The recession has apparently hit even Mark Burnett Productions: EPMB and his flunkies only had enough money in the budget for one bed instead of three; either that or they figured the extra beds weren’t necessary and the chicks were safe since Colby is the only guy in this game who has expressed no interest in women whatsoever.) Desperada still has the wild look in her eye and the obsession with finding the clue. Colby and Danielle munch on the popcorn when Danielle finds the clue in the bowl. She takes it out and then carefully sets it on the floor beside the bed. Desperada starts foaming at the mouth and moves toward Danielle. She grabs the clue, Danielle jumps her and it’s on! They entertain everyone with a catfight as screams of “psychobitch,” “horse face,” “perpetual loser” and “fake boobs” go back and forth. The next voice we hear is that of the late Mr. Stevenson laughing out loud as he turns over in his grave. Colby, who is supposedly still alive, sits there and stares straight ahead like a zombie. Then he temporarily rejoins the living and threatens to spank the naughty little girls if they don’t stop fighting, but they continue. Then he threatens to put little Mandy in time out if she doesn’t give little Dani back her favorite toy. Mandy gives it back and starts pouting and whining.
Danielle takes the clue back to camp and dazzles all her Varmint friends with her embellished version of the catfight story. She and Russell go out to look for the idol. (Can anyone guess what happens next?????) Under a rock by a stream, Russell "finds" the idol and hides it in his pants while quietly breaking away from Danielle because his dumbass girl alliance had the audacity to hide an immunity idol from the great, powerful, omnipotent, almighty Russell Hantz. He stays quiet until his next confessional where the rooster crows (again) about being the king of the hidden immunity idols and everything else. He and Parvati chill in the shelter while Danielle keeps trudging through the rain looking for the thing but, of course, it’s already gone.
Russell then tells Candice he has something to show her, guarantees to take her to the top three and promises that she can get in on the ground floor of a great business opportunity after the game. Stick with me and I can take you places. She can’t tell anyone right now because she can’t trust anyone. She wants Russell to take it out of his pants and show it to her. They go off into the bushes and he shows it to her. She’s not 100% sure about Russell, but he did take out of his pants and show it to her, and she is amazed how small it is! However, she can’t tell anyone because she can’t trust anyone not to use the info against her, except Russell. We all know that he wouldn’t show it to her if she were just a casual acquaintance.
Sandra and Colby go for a walk. She tells him she wants to take out the other Varmints because they took out everyone in her alliance, and now is the perfect time for her to flip and make it five against four. Colby ASSumes Danielle has the idol, so he will try to keep her from winning immunity. He tells Sandra to come on board because they need her. Who do we take out first, Russell or Parvati tonight?
Sandra tells Russell that Colby don’t have no personality, and he still ain’t no Hershey bar. Russell warns her not to flip because they still have the numbers. She tells him that his math is just as bad as her grammar, until he tells her they have someone flipping from the Zeroes. He says he trusts her. She says in confessional that she has to flip to get Russell out. She tells Rupert that if he wants Russell gone, he’s gone. Rupert tells her that one of the Zero chicks told Russell she was on board with him, but they hope that whichever chick it was lied to him. Rupert gets excited about the idea of Sandra flipping and getting that piece of garbage Russell out, because he KNOWS none of the other Zeroes would be stupid enough to flip and align with Russell. Colby also begins to show some signs of life when he says Sandra coming on board with them would change everything because he also KNOWS none of the other Zeroes would be stupid enough to flip and align with Russell.
Immunity challenge: Each person has 150 wooden tiles, builds a 10 foot house of cards, first to reach 10 feet wins immunity. Several of the houses get up to 4 or 5 feet, then collapse. Russell & Jerri both get to 8 feet. Jerri gets ahead of Russell, she is at 9 ½ feet, Russell somehow manages to run out of cards and tries to figure out how to stack them so they will reach the 10 foot mark. Jerri edges out Russell and wins her very first immunity, ever.
Sandra says she’s voting Russell because she’s been waiting 30 days too long to take him out. It is time for revenge on him for getting rid of Tyson, Boston Rob, Courtney, what the hell she will even throw in The Dragonslayer even though she doesn’t give a rat’s arse about him.
Jerri is having an amazing day and wants to truly savor each moment of her long-awaited first immunity win. Russell says he is fine with her winning because she is on his team, and we all know from last season’s finale what a gracious loser he is. Stick a fork in Rupert and Colby because they are done. Candice thinks he is taking her to the top three, but he hasn’t really decided yet. Amanda has to go because she’s an impressive strategic player, like Boston Rob in a girl’s body. He tells Candice to vote Amanda. She is OK with that, because Amanda has crossed Candice too many times. Candice says that either way she votes, it could be the beginning of the end for her. She thinks voting with the Varmints is the safest way to go because Russell pulling it out of his pants made her nervous about not voting with him, and she has to go with the plan that is the most solid.
Rupert always packs for tribal council, because at Pearl Islands he went home with nothing because his sense of entitlement had told him he was safe when he got voted out. Sandra says we got lucky because Russell is going home tonight. Then Candice runs to Russell and blabs the whole plan to him.
Russell goes after Sandra. He tells her Candice said you said they are putting my name down. Sandra denies it. The idol will be played. She says don’t threaten me, you crackhobbit. Then Candice jumps in. Russell says that because both Candice and Sandra are down to their only option, they have to make the decision to get Amanda out of there. If either of them flip on him, it won’t matter because they still have the majority. If they both flip on Russell, he’s going home tonight. They both would have to have some kind of genius plan to get him out, but he knows that is not happening. If the beat-up Zeroes can pull that off, more power to them.
Since Candice blabbed to Russell that Sandra was flipping, Sandra tells Rupert they are back to square one. Rupert tells her to chill, Candice is not flipping. Sandra says they are screwed and Russell won’t trust her anymore after this.
Sandra asks Candice why she is switching now. Candice says she is not switching. Rupert assures her that Candice is totally with them. He is trying like heck to keep everybody calm. Sandra warns Candice not to hang her out to dry, and Candice denies that she is doing that. She swears that they are still doing this, and that she’s still a Zero. Rupert says that if Danielle keeps the idol and they vote for her, the Varmints have won. If she gives it to Russell and they vote for him, then they have still won. The plan is to pull Parvati in because she has no more protection and nobody has her on their radar. Colby says if this doesn’t work then it’s Candice’s fault, because he KNOWS she is not stupid enough to flip and align with Russell. Candice responds with an appropriately nervous laugh. Three days of scrambling going on in three minutes.
Then Sandra and Candice talk again. Sandra says vote out Parvati and we will be right on track. Danielle won’t give Russell the idol. We are freaking done because we are talking like this. Russell follows Sandra around like a puppy as she’s trying to talk to Candice. She tells him to go away or she will go tattle and Colby will put him in time out. Candice says the only way we can do this is to do what Russell says. Sandra says she’s jumping ship for Candice, who denies running to Russell.
Tribal council convenes. The jurors walk in and Courtney, not one to be upstaged, immediately goes into her standup routine. Jiffy asks Rupert which Varmint would be the easiest to exterminate. No real need for any Varmint to do anything but stay with their five. Sandra agrees and says the Zeroes sense she’s on the outside. Russell says he wants to take her to the jury because she can’t win a challenge and won’t get any votes. Then he labels all the Varmints: he and Danielle are the aggressive players, Jerri is the calm one, Parvati is the charming one. Sandra is just there with us. Rupert wishes he would have known this before TC (which he actually did but he’s playing dumb which is not difficult for him). Sandra and the Zeroes all ASSume Danielle has the idol. Parvati now may be vulnerable. She’s trusting her alliance to stay with her, but she has given all her protection away. Russell is obviously a huge target, but he takes risks in the game. He will take the risk all day long to get further in the game.
Courtney does a barfing motion as Russell goes to vote. He votes Amanda, who votes Parvati. Jiffy says he’ll go tally the votes. Courtney says you do that. Is anybody playing an idol? Russell stands up. He thinks someone has flipped and plays the idol to keep them all honest (an ironic statement coming from him). This IS a hidden immunity idol (as if EVERYONE doesn’t know by now what an HII looks like). Jiffy reads the votes:
Courtney cracking up
Damn it, says Russell
Amanda – 12th person voted out. Candice flipped, Sandra didn’t. Amanda chokes back the tears and says OK Jiffy I know you’ve been waiting forever to do this.
Russell: I had to. I’m never that nervous
Parvati: You wasted that one.
Jiffy remarks that even though another Zero was voted out, the Varmints are not one big happy family (What do you expect – they’re Varmints!!)
Next time: The powerful Varmint alliance comes apart at the seams. Parvati & Russell have a lovers’ quarrel and he goes around threatening everyone with the long, slow, painful, torturous walk of shame.
Amanda admits she made too many mistakes in the game. The rest of the game is really going to get crazy and she’s glad she will not be a part of it. That’s what she says, anyway, almost as convincingly as she told Parvati that she would be the next to go.
That’s all for this week, friends, ‘til next time.
(tried to do the siggie pic thing, but it didn't work)