LAST EDITED ON 04-10-10 AT 06:39 PM (EST)
Welcome everyone to the summary for episode #8 of Zeroes vs Villains. I wonder how many of you had better things to do on Thursday but still want to know what happened to these exretardinary castaways. I’m guessing some did watch but don’t remember what happened which tells us how memiserable this season actually is. I’m guessing some fell asleep and want to know if they missed anything while some stopped by to share the craziness we’ve witlessnessed. Imagine; during this season we are treated to some players going for sloppy seconds and others going for turds.
Up to now the sophomoron jinx hasn’t destructmentally affected the players with less exasperience. The struggle is so tight, it can’t even breathe. The second-cups first decided to cut down on Sugar then got rid of the soporific Randy and Tyson along with the sopposeroic Tom while the third-time’s-a-charmers have lost Steph, Cirie and James who, being African Americans, didn’t have a chance, and Rob. What? You say Steph isn’t black, she’s just tanned? Isn’t that kinda racist?
Anyway, except for Bean Town Rob who was probably too smaht for his own good and Cirie who was too smart for everyone else’s, we don’t have too many watts among the half-wits living in Loser Lodge. Which reminds me of an old joke: How many Survivors does it take to change a light bulb? 20 (I know, it should be 16 but Jeff insists on 20): You need18 to sit around doing nothing, one to do all the work and one to collect the check!
As it stands now, the Villains are left with a heard of felines: Bitter cougar Jerri, sour puss Sandra, sexy panthyer Parvati...
a sleek jugguar Danielle...
and Courtney who, I guess, is the amusing kitten but she doesn’t really look like a cat. She’s more like Tweety-bird which is amazing considering how well she does with all the tomcats around. No one has had her for lunch in her two seasons, not even “Mr 7 burgers and a bowl of bats on the side” James. Of course, in China, James was waiting for his take-out order while the Bear didn’t have much interest in this 7 pound bony chick.
A Chinese Bear
It’s surprising that all 5 Villain women still have fire considering that none of them ever lit one and that you have Coach and Russell around. In Coach’s world of legends, men are samourights while women are only good to play succer, and that’s only if they listen to Coach. Russell got rid of all but 1 of his dumbass girls the last time. I guess RussHole, the guy who hasn’t changed his underwear or even washed them since he’s been in Samoa nearly a year ago (don’t you just love your HDTV now!), has changed his stragedy this time around.
For the Zeroes, we have a Pirate, Superman in a fat suit, a lying hillbilly, a pageant girl and a mutineer. What kind of examplification is that for our youth? They’ve been the loud-mouths fighting with each other and behaving like villains.
As far as the actual games goes, the Zeroes have been pretty weak adversorries: All excuses, no game. Forced to Cindy Lauper their way to Tribal Council, they kept making horrors, choosing allianancies over their musselmen. Jeff did his best with his questions to dirigged them in making a choice he’d be happy to write about in his weekly clog but they wouldn’t listen. Those minuses!
“Get on with the summary!”
OK, James, I know you hate this idol chat. I’m getting to it but I have to ask: Why did you challenge JT to a race? Why not Amanda…
or better yet, Sandra?
Previously…on Survivor, we had a turning point and you can read the great summary MissMyth wrote here.
From what I remember, we hardly saw the Heroes but they finally got close to each other. One could even say intimate:
To see more of the Heroes, you had to watch the “Inside Her” video clips.
On the Villains’ side, a Munchkin gave us an imitation of a Troll:
“I’ve got Hantz in my pantz so I walk like this.”
We saw why Coach is a coach and not a player:
And we had Parvati’s stragicomedy talk:
“Cooch and Cougar are in the middle.
One will go this way and the other that way
so we know one will be on our side!”
After a heated Tribal Council, Scerri voted with RussHole causing Morono’s torch to be snuffed. He left calling Cooch “a little man” which told us that size mattered to Rob.
This episode, according to the geniuses at SEG, was titled “Expectations” but I think “Stupid Players” would have been more appropriate. On the other hand, that would fit so many episodes we need something to differentiate it. I propose:
“Trolls, Hoes and Zeroes”
It began with a new feature: Rob’s enshrinement into the Survivor Hall of Fame. According to Jeff, Morono was reborn as a Hero leading his tribe to victory over the Zeroes, the Talibans and those damn Yankees while still having time to take care of the camp chores like lighting fire, catching fish, doing laundry and tucking in his kids. The peasants were in awe but I’m thinking that Ambuh has trained him well!
We also had RussHell’s nomination for the Hole of Flame. He was described as the enemy, a person who uses lies, intimidation and chaos to further his own self interests. A player that was motivated by jealousy, he gathered enough votes to get rid of Super-Dad. The Bully’s ego put the villains in a hole they can’t get out of.
Jeff is an unbiased, detached observer.
Night 18: Some Enjoy being in the Crapper
RussHole and Pervati were enjoying their victory.
‘He tried, poor guy. He gave it his all.”
“That was awesome. I knew I picked the right guy.”
RussHole didn’t waste any time finding a camera to gloat. Victorious, he said: “I’m in control of this game; I’ll take care of them one at a time. This is RussHole Pantz, if you ain’t with me, you’re lucky”
… no wait I think he may have said “if you ain’t with me, you’re against me.”
Pervati and Horsielle were enjoying blindsiding people.
The Panama Villain saying: “I like doing it to people who deserve it.”
It made me think she would be quite deserving of a good blindside.
Cooch had a temper tantrum: “I didn’t want Rob out. He was my only friend and now I’m screwed. I’ll tell my momma about those ridiculous cowards acting like big bullies.”
Scerri, the one responsible for voting out Morono, told Cooch: “I didn’t want to do it. I’m really upset about it.”
Cooch’s look told us how dumb Scerri was. He asked her if she was planning on going to the F5 with Russell.
She answered: “Let’s wait to see what happens at the merge.”
Cooch proceeded to tell us: “The Villains are in the crapper. Pray for a merge.”
After the intros and a commercial break, we took an excursion to a remote beach where cameramen rarely venture: The Zeroes’ Camp.
There we found out who was Master of his Domain.
The Colbster finally received the Texas flag that had been shipped from Australia. It only took 9 years to arrive. Things get Lost when shipped from Australia. He was busy fixing the shelter with Poopert.
Candyass asked Manhanda if she had seen JT Junior.
Junior had decided “all for one and that is all” makes a good saying when talking about the idol. He said: “The best thing for me is to make sure I know where it’s at. This is Survivor and you don’t know if these other people are thinking around here.”
(That’s what we’ve been saying for 20 seasons now.)
Left alone in camp, Manhanda asked Candyass: “Where’s everyone disappearing to?”
I don’t know Manhanda; maybe you stink and that’s making them run away from you. At least from my TV, I can watch you parading without a blur and not have to smell you.
Playing in a muddy swamp, Junior had his idol in his hand but he quickly tucked it back in his pants and tried to flee the scene when Manhanda showed up. Seeing him with his hand in his pants, she was curious: “What are you doing?”
Since his shorts were opened, Junior had no problem showing it to her.
Manhanda was all excited, thinking a guy was finally interested in her.
Junior told us his change of plan: “Immediately after I got it out, I was like I better get out of here because I didn’t want to get caught playing with it but before I could even move, Manhanda walked up so I showed it to her. Seeing how she got all excited and since Candyass showed up I thought: If I show it to everyone, our tribe will come together.”
Surprisingly, Poopert wanted to see it so JT presented it to him.
JT told him: “The first one that needs it can have it.”
Of course, the Colbster was happy to have JT come in the shelter to show it to him also.
Seeing how ambivalent Junior was, the two women weren’t happy.
Candyass told Manhanda: “Good thing I walked up. How close was that?”
“Too close” replied Manhanda.
Candyass told us: “Junior is everyone’s Idol which is not so great in my book because Junior is the slimiest guy out here. He’s got a “best friend” interest with everybody. He’s running the tribe and every night, he’s been going back and forth and everyone’s coming to him trying to figure which one Junior is going to go with and no one calls him out.”
In the shelter, Candyass asked Manhanda: “I’m afraid of saying anything about Junior because he’s worse than Golden Boy-Blake. Has he been with you? He’s been with me. He’s been with Poopert and he’s been with Cowboy.”
Amanda realizing Junior isn't hers alone
Candyass concluded: “It would be in Manhanda’s best interest to forget about Junior since he isn’t that much into her. She should work with me to get rid of him. Junior’s dangerous.”
That scene, on the insider clip, ended with Candyass saying to Manhanda: “I still don’t trust you.”
Manhanda answered: “Neither do I.”
Candyass replied: “You skanky little Ho.”
Read the Clues!
RussHole was cracking crabs and serving some to Danielle who said: “I’m ruining my horse teeth with this. I need some real food like hay.”
The Cougar didn’t even have the strength to get food: “We’re all gonna die.”
Cooch told us: “It’s do or die out here.”
Pervati read tree mail: “Now for a challenge that’s good clean fun;
no oil, no mud, no brawling.
It’s not who strike first but who strikes most:
Your best meal yet is calling.”
How does that translate to merge? RussHole figured it was individual, Cooch said “Merge” and Pervati ran with it: “Today the villains are all hoping that it’s a merge. It’s a challenge of good clean fun and our best meal yet so, I’m happy about that.”
Horsielle was ready to move also: “I’m hoping and praying it’s a merge and we don’t know where we’re going to end up. So we definitely want to get all of our stuff together and take the tools, the tarp and all our belongings cause we could end up somewhere else.”
(Where Jeff always makes sure all your possessions will be when you get there. Amazing Racers aren’t the only ones dumb enough to misread clues.)
The idiots went to the trouble of dismantling their camp to bring everything with them. Like the 7 dwarves, the villains were off to the challenge. 7 dwarves? Then why did they all look like Dopey? Or worse, like Ulong!!!
Hi Hoes, Hi Hoes, it’s off to merge we go!
The setting was perfect: A nice hut to sit in and enjoy a feast fit for 12. A table full of all the usual favourites and benches for the tired players to sit on, relax, chat and get to know each other.
As the tribes walked in, the Zeroes got their first look at the new Villains’ tribe with Morono voted out.
Poopert and Manhanda couldn’t believe it. Colbster noticed to tools and the tarp, saying: “It looks like we’re merging.”
Jiffy went to Poopert first, asking for his reaction at seeing Bean Town Rob gone.
Poopert also didn’t read the clues right: “It sure looks like they’ve got a women’s alliance.”
RussHole was interested to hear that news.
Like Bubba to Chris, Junior was stupid enough to send a message to the other team. His words of encouragement were addressed to RussHole of all people: “Hang in there.”
In private, RussHole reacted: “When I found out that the Zero tribe thinks that this was an all-girl alliance, I thought they were making a huge mistake. This isn’t an all-girl allianancy out here, Rob got voted out because of me. Now, if we merge, the Zeroes will tell me who they are voting for because they think I’ll be the one to flop. Why wouldn’t I flop if I’m in trouble? I’ll be like “Help!”
Probst then asked RussHole about bringing all their stuff. To underline Jiffy’s comment, we even heard a chicken clucking!
The Troll answered: “If there is a merge, they look dumb we don’t.”
The Colbster told us about his personal fear: That people will see just how stupid he really is: “The first thought I had when I saw them walk in with their tool box in hand was maybe I should have read the clue. I’m hoping this is a non-elimination leg.”
Luckily, it was because Jiffy proceeded to say: “You survived 18 days out here, you survived 8 tribal councils and it does seem that you deserve a bit of a break. As you have all seen behind you is a nice feast. You will all have an opportunity to enjoy this feast.”
The fools started clapping!!
Jeff went on: “Before we go any further, let me answer the question on everybody’s mind: Everybody, drop your…<People started cheering> Expectations.”
Courtney yelled: “Evil!”
Pervati added: Wah-wah-wah…”
(Danielle: I guess Jiffy also enjoys a good blindside!)
So, after his little prank, Jeff explained the Reward challenge which was bowling in the jungle. I’d like to tell Burnett there’s a reason even ESPN doesn’t broadcast bowling in prime-time: IT’S BORING. They say this season is about bringing back classic challenges from the past but how is this one a classic?
So, while the pizzas were getting cold and colonies of ants were merging right on top of that table, the contestants bowled for their next meal.
Having to sit two people out, Cooch’s natural instincts took over, so he decided who should play, who should sit. Pervati tried to tell him about the next challenge but Cooch wanted to win this feast more than the next immunity so he sat the two people who could have been just as bad bowlers as everybody else: Courtney and Sandra.
I’ll spare you the details of the bowling match except to say there were many gutter balls and no strikes. Except for admiring Danielle's form as Jeff suggested...
...Fred Flintstone’s bowling matches were more interesting than this.
In the end, Poopert, Junior and Manhanda (those coming handy) scored points for the Zeroes while only RussHole replied for the Villains forcing them to retreat to their bare beach.
Food for the Fools
Manhanda made a toast saying: “I love you all. Best team ever on Survivor.”
Poopert agreed: “The Fantastic Five! I have dibs on playing The Thing.”
Manhanda went to the cameramen saying: “I don’t want to jinx us here but I will anyway: We are on a little bit of a roll. We are still minuses in numbers so we are still catching up. We don’t want to get over-confident but we are.”
Poopert wasn’t ready for the merge since he wanted to knock a few of them out.
(Maybe he’ll get another chance at killing Scerri).
He added: “How about Boston Rob? Insane voting him out.”
Junior said: “The moment Boston Rob left the game; I knew the guys were not in control because he was their best competitor. So, it’s obvious, there’s an all-women’s alliance over there”
We then had Survivor strategy, Poopert-style: “The girls are going to expect you girls to jump into bed with them.”
Candyass agreed: “We’ll be the first to find out all the gossip!”
Junior concluded: “Now Cooch and RussHole are on the outs over there. They are “Sitting Duck” and “Target.” If we merge now, we have them on our side in a heartbeat.”
(Stupid Junior, to think I used to say you were the best winner ever! And no one will ever be “Sitting Duck’ again in the hearts of most Survivor fans. Certainly not Cooch!)
With talks of domination and the general laughter, I say we had a clear example of over-confidence.
Losers = Cancer in the Locker Room
Everyone was fighting:
The Cougar was auditioning for a job as sport analyst, criticizing the coach’s decision: “I’m furious! Sour Puss and the Munchkin should have been playing so that we would have the best people in the immunity challenge.”
Like any loosing team, we saw an angry locker room.
Jugguar asked why Sour Puss and Tweety-bird sat out.
Cougar said it was because they were just sitting there, saying they didn’t know.
Sour Puss replied: “I’m standing right here. I never said a word, I said “Whatever”
(Well isn’t that what Cougar just said?)
She went on: “So now, it’s me and Courtney’s fault that we lost the challenge?”
(No, Sandra, like many fans, they are saying it’s your fault for existing.)
Finally, the blame fell on Coach who really wanted pizza.
Sour Puss commented: “The worst tribe ever put together is the Villains’ tribe. I shouldn’t even be here.”<Many fans cheered> “I should be with the Heroes” <They then booed> “I can’t stand Jerri, I hate Coach, I hate Danielle and I hate Russell even more. I’m not going to pick one over the other because I equally hate them all.”
(Remember way back when Scerri received a lot of criticism for naming who she liked while I believe Sandra will receive a lot of love for naming who she hates. Something about that is just wrong but it’s funny! And, notice that, just like Scerri unexpectedly left out Tina, Sandra left out Parvati. Hum….)
The Munchkin was complaining to Sour Puss about being down 5-2.
Sour Puss had a plan: “Do you want to get even with Cooch?”
(I wonder how he got in the middle of this again?!!! Wasn’t it RussHole who went against them?)
“RussHole is the kind of person who, if he finds out someone is gunning for him, he’ll take them out. We could put a bug in his ear that Cooch is gunning for him.”
Sour Puss found another cameraman: “I will be like “Russell, Cooch wants you gone” and I bet you that Russell will believe me and get rid of Cooch. Me and Courtney will be saved again.”
(Great plan and the execution that followed was perfect, Sandra. Just one problem, that’s what Russell wanted to do anyway! Why not put a bug in his ear about one of his true allies?)
On day 20, Cooch had a talk with Tweety-bird: “I hate playing this game with these people.”
<With the camera focused on RussHole, we knew exactly who Cooch meant>
“I didn’t want to play this game without Tyson and Boston Rob but it looks like all of that is out the window.”
Courtney replied: “I get that you feel guilty or something but I know I’m the next to be voted out so what else is there to say. It’s based on RussHole’s idea of what he wants his Survivor to be like and everyone goes along with it out of fear or something.”
Cooch agreed: “It blows.”
Seeing two sticks moving on the beach, RussHole knew one had to be Courtney: “She was over there talking to Cooch. It doesn’t matter because I will tell them this is how we are voting and that’s the way it’s gonna be.”
Placing her bug, Sandra said: “At the same time, I heard Cooch say he made a mistake and wishes he could go back…He told her that he wanted to get rid of you. I don’t know about your homeboy.”
RussHole was quick to react: “He ain’t my homeboy. I don’t trust him…He’s digging his own grave just like Rob did.”
In Private, Sandra gloated: “Russell is so stupid, he ate that crap up… So, Russell, he doesn’t know how to play this game. Yeah, he’s done good so far but, with me, he don’t know what he got himself into.”
RussHole went to Pervati: “He’s going to flip. He’s mad at me for getting rid of Rob so now he’s trying to stab me in the back.”
Pervati asked: “Who does he think he is?”
(Thank God she didn’t ask Cooch that because we would have been subjected to unending tales of legends and myths)
RussHole answered with a question of his own: “Do you know the beautiful thing? If he goes, there’s only 1 guy left and there’s no doubt in their minds…”
“That it’s a girls alliance” said Parvati, showing they were on the same page.
RussHole nodded: “Once we merge, they won’t talk to the girls, they’ll be scared to death about you but they sure are going to talk to me.”
Parvati, putting her hands together in her familiar villain pose, concluded: “Perfect! It’s all falling into place perfectly.”
New Day: Old Challenge.
The Guatemala Mudslide
When you have Parvati and Courtney in a race against JT and Colby, you know it isn’t really a challenge. Sandra looked as helpless as Lydia had been. It’s tough to run when you have mud up to your knees. As for the showdown between Coach and Poopert, you know they placed that as the second leg only because a third wouldn’t have been necessary.
Parvati’s look before the challenge...
...and Russell’s look during the first leg told us what the Villains thought of their chances.
No, this challenge was only an opportunity to show this:
And, I didn’t know that Manhanda rubbing her muddy boobs would be erotic!
Even the CBS eye couldn't look away!
Courtney twisted her ankle but didn’t require any medical help.
Feeling no pity, Danielle said: “I want Courtney gone. I’m a competitor, I hate losing or sitting out challenges where we get no hamburgers for it. It’s not fair to have people in this game with so much less physical abilities than me.”
The defeated tribe went to wash in the ocean. Only Cooch felt good, saying it was like going to the spa which he’ll have plenty of time to do soon. He added: “Everybody’s down, everybody’s hurt and the Dragon-Slayer is just coming into his own. It’s time for me to shine.”
He did more of his Chang Ron poses, you know the kind that you can’t find by googling; you have to go to Tibet to learn. The guy is really out of touch with reality which is strange considering he is on reality TV.
Cooch also said: “I should get rid of RussHole but to keep the weaker girls could be a mistake. I’m going to stay with the Forced Five alliance and vote out Courtney.”
(The Forced Five alliance going up against the Fantastic Five: It has a nice ring to it!)
Cooch asked RussHole if any funny stuff was going on.
RussHole’s reply had double meaning: “I get my mind set on one thing and I do it. If I can’t trust ‘em, I gotta get rid of ‘em.”
RussHole told us: “I have the power to send home who I want to send home. I’ve already talked with Parvati and she is really on board with voting for Coach…The Coach-man, the Dragon-Slayer, he’s going home tonight.”
Danielle wasn’t so much on board, saying they had to keep Coach in case there wasn’t a merge. RussHole argued they were losing with Cooch anyway. He told her: “That is a stupid move. I don’t know how you’re playing right now.”
Freaking out, they both butted heads which for Danielle must have felt like Casaya v2.0! They eventually went their own way, still fuming at each other.
Danielle went to cry to a camera: “I think it’s stupid to vote out another strong player. Sandra and Courtney are useless in challenges they’ve proven that to us a million times. Courtney is pathetic and I think we have a shot at least with Coach. So, I threw that out there and Russell freaked out.”
After a while, Russell went back to Parvati and Danielle saying he had a change of heart, thinking that Danielle might be right. “We can take him out any time we want. We should vote out Courtney.”
Parvati told us what she thought of that: “It’s absurd…This tribe cannot get its act together. That is a problem. We cannot make a decision as a cohesive unit to save our lives.”
Just then, Danielle was shown talking to Courtney and Sandra, asking them if they were cool. Sandra replied they couldn’t be any cooler.
(Doesn’t that tell us that there is indeed a women’s alliance in place and that Russell is the last to know?!!! He’s now their man-servant!)
Courtney almost confirmed it, saying: “Hopefully, we all come together and vote off the Dragon-Slayer but who knows? They might still get together and vote out the weakest.”
With that, the Villains were off to meet Jeff.
Jeff went directly to Danielle to know if there were regrets in voting out Tyson and Rob.
Danielle said the decisions were made considering they were threats so “It is what it is. We thought what we did was the right thing to do.”
Jeff said that Coach was the only one to win a point in a physical challenge.
Coach brushed it off with a smile that said: “I don’t want to brag about it so you do it for me.”
Our unbiased host went on to say: “If given the choice of either Boston Rob or Tyson over, say Courtney, 99 out of a hundred people would pick Boston Rob or Tyson. No disrespect to Courtney.”
(If that isn’t disrespect, what is?)
At least she didn’t let that slip by. She replied: “Thank you Jeffrey. That’s what the team wanted to do... I wasn’t part of the decision to vote out Tyson or Rob and I’m sad that they are both gone but insulting me isn’t going to bring them back.”
Coach said: “People are probably laughing at us right now.” (I sure am but I always do!) “I was trying to energize people.”
Courtney wasn’t having any of that: “When it’s a reward challenge and you have Coach saying “I wanna eat so “A” squad on and I don’t care about the immunity challenge” so we’ll put the two weak people in there because obviously it’s going to be one of us going home.”
Coach wanted to know if she meant he was the reason the tribe was demoralized.
Jeff answered that it was what he had heard.
Coach replied: “What we all want as a tribe is to hear Courtney say: “I want to do that because I can beat that challenge.”
Courtney simply said: “Thanks Dad.”
Danielle came to his defence: “He’s a coach, that’s what he does.”
Coach vehemently denied he was demoralizing the tribe.
Parvati seemed deep in thoughts which Jeff noticed.
She said that the other tribe was more physical and that if the challenges continue to be physical, they could see all their torches snuffed one after the other.
When Jeff pointed that they were making decisions based on assumptions of a merge and alliances, Courtney jumped in saying that “Everyone is talking about a merge and, all of a sudden, there isn’t going to be a merge so it’s target the weak and, since I’m the poster child for weak survivors…But I’m still here over a bunch of strong survivors so, twisted ankle, skinny chick whatever, I’m a determined little b*tch and I’ll put up with a lot of crap to get to the end.”
Sandra liked that and they bumped fists in agreement.
Russell said: “If you can keep the tribe strong and keep the trust in place; that’s what you need to do. That’s what I’m doing tonight.”
Jeff sent them to vote.
Courtney voted Coach saying: “You’re a freaking lunatic. I’m just glad I don’t have to live with you anymore. Nice feather in your hair!”
The vote was decided on the last ballot. (Danielle, we would find out later, surprisingly voted against Coach while Russell voted to keep Coach and eliminate Courtney.) Seeing the results, Coach looked surprised...
and Courtney had very little reaction as if she knew.
Coach shook Russell’s hand and hugged his fair maiden before heading out to Ponderosa as the first member of the jury.
Jeff left them by saying that the problem with trust is you don’t know it’s gone before it’s too late. I would have said that the moral of this story is that, even in a team full of Trolls and Hoes, the Coach is the one that gets fired.
Next time on Survivor we see that Junior is out to prove that Stephen was indeed the brains in Tocantins because he is thinking of pulling a move that would make Survivor History. We see Ian quitting the final challenge in Palau, James voted out with 2 idols in China, Eliza telling Jason that he just gave her a f*%?#ing stick and Erik giving Natalie his immunity necklace in Micronesia. What could possibly top this? Junior is thinking of giving Russell the Hidden Immunity Idol before the merge to save him from the perils of a female alliance. If JT and the Zeroes are that dumb, wouldn’t it be just perfect if Russell thanked JT by using the idol to vote him out?!!!!
Thanks to Salarakas at Sucks for the gifs and the folks at Immunityidol.net for the vidcaps