LAST EDITED ON 03-27-10 AT 03:37 AM (EST)
"These effin people have no idea how to run a tribe."
JP: PREVIOUSLY, ON SURVIVOR
By Day 12, it was all out war between the Heroes and the Villians, with James being the biggest casualty. (We see shots from the reward challenge, including JT bodyslamming Coach in an apparent attempt to knock the BS out of him, and a shot of James hurting his knee.)
But the real war was back at the Villian's camp, where Rob and Russell fought for Parvati's soul, with hope, truth, liberty, the American way, and the shelter spot between Parvati and Danielle all hanging in the balance of this titanic struggle. Russell believed he was aligned with Parv, Dani, the immunity idol and all things conniving and unholy. While Rob believed "It is MY island" and everyone else could just step off.
When Rob led the Villians to another IC victory, the moment he and Russell just dropped trou and measured themselves against each other was postponed.
For the hapless Heroes, another loss meant another syanara, and Candice considered joining Tom and Colby to take out the now down to just two good legs, James. But the same majority that doomed this tribe from the beginning saw no reason to start making sense now, and Tom was taken out, leaving my lov- err, Colby alone in a tribe going no where fast.
(obligatory shot of moon rising and then shot of the Zeroes flag)
Deadweight: Aw, Colby, you want a hug?
Dulby: Nah, James, there is only room for one man in my life. Sorry.
(Confessional with Candice)
Candy: I tried to tell everyone James was the smart move, but no one wants to listen to me. These guys don't have a brain between them and Amanda is like James' sister from another mister. Its pretty frustrating.
(Confessional with Amanda as apparently the editing agrees the men aren't worth listening to)
OMandy: It isn't my nature to talk bad about anyone so I'm not going to name any names, but there is a certain blonde bimbo on my tribe who SUX. This has no connection with anything going on in the game right now, but she HAS TO GO, just cause.
(shot of the Villians flag and still in our after-TC black and white)
Russell lays on his back in the shelter with his eyes open. Rob sits outside between two trees, NOT doing his thing. In fact, apparently not doing anything other than looking sinister unless he's tree whispering and they have some advice on how to handle immunity idols.
Russell approaches Rob in a faux-attempt to placate him though everyone in the Surviverse knows better other than maybe Coach and Jean Robert. Russell immediately launches into an impressive display of opposite talk.
DarthRuss: I'm glad you're up. I wanted to talk to you instead of sitting around, thinking too much. I don't want to be after you, and I don't want you to be after me. And laying next to my wife is far better than laying between Parv and Dani. Trust me.
Rob responds with an equally impressive show of passive aggression.
BosRob: While we are both being so truthful, I should let you know that someone really wants you gone. Someone was pretty upset about you looking for the idol, and they've been passing the word to get you out of here. Plus, my wife, Amber, told this someone to always look out for short egomaniacs in fedoras. I'm no rat, but I'm just saying. If you have that idol, you can stick it, I mean, you better hold it tight, you know, versus lightly holding on to it. Because of this someone, you better watch your back.
Then, the conversation ended with a neat reversal of roles.
DarthRuss: And you better watch your back, brother.
BosRob: Yeah, good talk, A-ho..., I mean, Russell.
(Then accompanying confessionals... This is not unlike the prefight interviews in the old WWE at this point.)
DarthRuss: I don't care WHO he thinks he is. I'm the champion! You mess with the Hanz, you go DOWN!! Oh, yeah!!
BosRob: The little man is going to find out soon enough that he isn't in the Girl Scouts anymore. This is the big leagues for the big boys.
Roll Survivor intro in case someone thought they had tuned in to LOST.
Double the Immunity, Double the Jeopardy
Daytime- Zeroes Camp
JT reads for the tribe an enigmatic clue heralding a challenge involving a rope is at hand.
Dulby: Either the challenge is for reward, or it is for immunity, or both. My concern is with James. Either he will be able to perform in the challenge or he won't. One thing I can tell you for sure is that there will be challenges in the future where James may be even more useless than me, and we will rue that day.
Both tribes march to their respective mats to get ready for the challenge.
JP: The Villians are getting their first look at the Losers, I mean, Heroes with Tom voted out last night.
Villians share raised eyebrows, fist pumps, and dismissive shrugs.
(Somehow Danielle appears the tribe spokesperson on this matter.)
TheEyecandy: (unfortunately for her at bars, she looks good even when uninterested) Nah, Jeff, they all look the same to me.
JP: Well, today, not one but two immunity necklaces are up for grabs as you will all compete individually against your own tribe, which means, yes, at least one Hero HAS to win. Both tribes will be going to tribal council and voting someone off, and yeah, you can all thank basketball for that. We tried our hardest to get someone medi-vac'd to make up the missed week, but you guys just never got physical enough for us. Pansies. Anyway, the goal of this challenge is to force scantily clad women to slither their way through this maze, putting themselves in all sorts of fun positions on the way. We would ask the guys to just sit out, but I guess someone thinks that wouldn't be right. After we have our two winners, they will compete for hotdogs for their tribe and even better yet, the opportunity to torture the losers by making them watch you eat. Let's do this.
After some sort of draw that of course the Villians won, they elected to make the Zeroes go first, presumably to gain knowledge of the challenge and not to just ogle Amanda and Candice, which is my job.
Dulby: Not all Texans are good with rope, apparently.
GrizzlyAdams: Not exactly... limber.
Deadweight: Did well enough early to draw sarcastic praise from Snarkney, but ultimately probably tired out.
OMandy: Good form.
JayTee: Good effort. Wears Wranglers.
Candy: Thin, limber, and needed it. Can thank production for the ideal challenge.
After Candice donned her immunity necklace, the Villians stepped to the plate.
Salsarita: Doesn't do the challenge thing.
Jerrimander: Scru this.
Snarkney: Rope was thicker than her arms.
TheEyeCandy: Not into being tied up, sadly.
DragonSlayer: Won in his mind, at least.
Parvasive: Nice butt, but couldn't stay with the boys.
DarthRuss: Scrambled like a "hobbit on crack."
PsychoT: Slithers with the best of them.
BosRob: Proved, like Candy, that willpower was the key to the challenge.
Candice and Rob then faced off for their tribes, but that is a foregone conclusion as no one and nothing is about to beat Rob short of an acrobat or a spider monkey or an acrobatic spider monkey. Villians win again. The Zeroes get to listen to their hungry bellies.
The hotdog craven villians return to camp and applaud Rob for his beat down of a girl.
Parvasive: I slunk my slankiest during that challenge because I needed that necklace. Then, ROB WINS! I was like- who could have seen that one coming? I am not too worried though. I am used to hard places.
The Villians convene in Survivor's office, the beach, and decide Parvati is definitely the one to go.
Jerrimander: Parvati has to go. I'm done with her, and the horse she rode in on and the horses she rode since.
DragonSlayer: Like Sir Lancelot, I have my diminutive king on one side and the master of my heart on the other. But everyone knows when I give my word, it's good as gold. Like Judas Escariot once said, "How much you offering?"
Rob orders his minions to make Russell think it will be him so that he plays and wastes his idol.
Perhaps better off to have left it to his more tactful soldiers, Rob then proceeds to go athlete in the strip club overboard in his "duping" of Russell.
BosRob: If I were you, and that would suck because Amber doesn't get into short guys, but if I were, then I'd be whipping out that idol faster than I can spit. No idol? Then its been real, brother! Haha!! (High fives Russell like they should both be happy with this situation.) What can I say? Haha... It is better to serve in Robdom than rule in RussHell. You know what I'm saying? Hahaha!!!
DarthRuss: Rob told me it was better to play with him than against him. I am going to make him eat those words. His feeble little challenge skills and natural charisma is no match for the sheer power of the dark side.
Russell immediately goes to his brave and faithful harlots and tells them he is no dummy and that he sees right through Rob's subtleties and knows the vote is going to Parvati. He will therefore give Parvati the idol and take his chances. Afterall, he might be going home, but he won't be going home as somebody's fool. Parvati and Danielle do their best Natalie and Mick imitation and listen like thieves. Russell instructs them to vote for Tyson and pray to whatever gods they believe in.
We then switch to Rob's alliance, who apparently gets the luxury of the shelter for their strategy discussions. Rob, who is somehow as aware of Russell's plans as Russell is of his, tells Sandra, Courtney and Tyson that they should split their votes 3-3 between Russell and Parvati. That way, even if Russell gives his idol to Parvati, one of them is going home. He even tells Tyson he is the likely recipient of their votes. Was Sandra hiding behind a bush when Russell had his strategy session?
DarthRuss: The smart thing to do would be to split their vote. Then, they could vote for whoever they wanted in a revote. That would be a GENIUS move. Fortunately, the only genius around here is mwa, and I don't do consulting.
Not one to rely alone on the idiocy of others, Russell pulls Tyson away from the tent and goes into an epic tale of remorse over deciding to vote out Parvati.
PsychoT: Russell came over to talk to me. It is obviously tearing him up inside that he has to vote for Parvati, but he wants to stick around. Rob said 3 people should vote this way and 3 should vote that way , and then there will be a revote. Its loco, man! Who can keep up with all that? Russell said he'll vote for Parvati. So, I switch my vote to her. Boom! She goes home. Bring on the hotdogs! Haha... And after all that, Russell sold me some VCRs for cheap. He said they'll be coming back. What a guy!
The Non-Decision and Banana Etiquette
The Zeroes returned to camp facing another TC devoid of hotdogs. Upon getting back, Colby, in a rare heroic move for this poorly named bunch, conceded he was the next to go and that they should enjoy the remainder of their time and not give away any information to the dastardly villians.
Deadweight: We had that challenge, and a fat man and a cripple beat Colby. Colby was like my Superman, and now Superman sucks. I can't tell you how disheartening it is to see the man like this. He isn't Superman anymore. He is more like a CareBear now. The pink one.
The Zeroes minus James and Colby get together to discuss the vote as apparently it is not the non-contendere that Colby assumed. Amanda and JT lead the discussion as usual with JT leaning towards keeping Colby with probably a silent Candice on his side. Amanda still supports James, but for the first time appears to be considering his boot.
Amanda and James at the beach.
OMandy: Can you run?
Deadweight: Faster than most of them.
OMandy: Cause you are going to need to show them.
Deadweight: I'll show them. I'll show ALL them.
OMandy: Everyone wants you here, but we need to see that you are okay. I might have you find a coconut for me too. You know, just to show that you are okay. Oh, and you need to stop stealing bananas.
Deadweight: Bananas? What are you talking about now, girl? Everyone eats bananas.
OMandy: Yeah, but not like you. You are like King Kong with the munchies. When you get a banana, you are supposed to ask if anyone else wants some. It is an etiquette.
Deadweight: What? Whoever heard of such a thing? You folks have gone crazy. You guys vote for whoever you want. You talkers. I'm tired of talking about it.
In an effort to prove himself though footspeed has been no factor in any challenges, James races JT on the beach. Whoever was the "them" James was referring to being faster than, they must be awfully slow because James proceeds to make JT look like the white Usain Bolt in the foot race.
GrizzlyAdams: James is fighting to stay. Colby is ready to go home. James has power. Colby does not. James has great pecs. COLBY DOES NOT.
JayTee: You wouldn't know James was hurt until the man was carted off on a stretcher. He probably wouldn't know it until then either. As a team, we have to get past our friendships and find the winning combination. Sure, doing that before being down to 5 members might have been nice, but better late than never!
The Zeroes trudge out to TC with at least some debate on who they are voting for. James is limping and probably hungry for a banana.
The Villians are first up at TC because villians quit if they don't get to be up first. JP asks the villians what is different about the game this time around. Jerri says people start alliances immediately and the basic surviving isn't as important. (Yeah, we've noticed.) Rob says the HII changes things. Sandra says they all know who has it. Hilariously she tells Russell that if he doesn't have it, he better go find it. Parvati reveals that Tyson is charming and has many friends. Sandra reveals Parvati ditto. Courtney says Rob is the center of all chaos.
We then have the parade to grandma's cookie jar. Rob welcomes Russell to the big leagues. Sandra tells Russell to go wash himself and get bent. Coach says Parvati is too sweet and thus- goodnight now.
After the vote, we get the dragged out reveal of the immunity idol. Russell gets up to play it and dramatically passes it to Parvati who does an admirable job of acting surprised. Russell plays the moment for all its worth in an obvious attempt to impress Coach. The votes get read and we find out that Tyson did indeed switch his vote to Parvati, thus cutting his own throat as he catches the idol ricochet when Russell's axis of evil votes for him. Russell laughs like at children. Parvati and Danielle continue to act amazed. Rob looks angry for the first time all season.
PsychoT: Aw, man. I have no one to blame but myself. I really took the second M out of mormon. Anyway, I'm still pretty awesome. And I still have those cheap VCRs.
Who is more worthless?
The Zeroes walk in as the Villians tear into their hotdogs. The Zeroes see Tyson is gone. Rob still looks angry. Jerri appears to stuff an entire hotdog into her mouth at once.
JP asks James if he is still in trouble. James reveals that he raced JT and lost, badly. James goes over every challenge debacle in Colby's season. When JP asks Colby how he likes them apples, Colby very earnestly replies that it is all true and more painful to live than to hear. Unfortunate that the Heroes waited until the last two episodes to start acting heroically. Regardless, though the Heroes TC is far less dramatic, it is almost more surprising as James is voted out instead of Colby. James gets perhaps the best walk of shame of all time, starting with a hug and an "I love you" from Amanda, a "yes, sir" from James to JP at his dismissal, and then the quote from James that he should be "drunk after 5 minutes" on his way out. JP, finally seeing the alliance he railed against all season break form, suggests that maybe they'll be a stronger tribe. Unless the merge waits until 10, extremely unlikely, it hardly matters now.
James appeared to expect his boot and only showed regret at his injuries in his final words.
Next time on Survivor, in deja vu to my last summary, Rob declares a Laura-like war on Russell after an idol ricochet takes out an ally. This time, however, Russell will have no idol to protect him.