LAST EDITED ON 11-14-09 AT 08:16 AM (EST)
LAST EDITED ON 11-14-09 AT 08:06 AM (EST)
JP: PREVIOUSLY ON SURVIVOR
(yeah, I like this picture)
MB tried for the superfecta of lame-osity with the merge at 12. Galu, who has dominated like we haven't seen since the season from Hell (Fiji), was feeling pretty good about themselves with an 8 to 4 person advantage, or 90% to 10% if you ask Laura who might be counting the Father, Son and Holy Ghost among her tribemates.
Galu seemed blissfully unaware that Shambo hates Laura (what? who wrote this?) and has a connection with Russell. Meanwhile, Natalie has been working the Galu women, the braintrust that it is, to vote for Erik. After Laura and John win immunity in a game of tee ball, Russell wastes his HII by playing it while Natalie's plan (what? who wrote this?) works, and Erik is blindsided by Galu and sent home. Can FU FU continue to fight this uphill battle? (I know the suspense is killing me.)
Obligatory shot of the moon
AIGA- Day 21
(back at camp in the normal post TC dim light)
MilkCarton Kid: I want a chocolate chip cookie with some peanut butter on it... (And some more fricking screentime because obviously with comments like this I deserve it.)
Danger Dave: Ah, yeah. (Geezus, this conversation will never make the show.)
RussOil: I believe there is a subtle perfection to everything I do. See, me playing the idol scared Galu so much, they went back in time and voted for Erik. I messed their stuff all up. Of course, now that I don't have my little protector anymore, I could be the next to go. Frankly, I'm looking for a miracle.
SoCo: I'll pray for y'all. I'm going to go lay down with the rest of the ladies. This is just like being back home in the old days for me, with all the women taking naps together. We are just like a bunch of southern belles, us girls.
Hera: (who like the Holy Trinity apparently has the ability to be at multiple places at once since the shot switches from her laying down with the ladies to solo confessional) Russell is an idiot. See, that's why I won't minister men. They have the common sense of a donkey in heat. He will be the next to go. So let it be written. So let it be done. (Never mind that this confessional just guaranteed it won't.)
DAY 22 - AIGA
You put the rat in the coconut and mix it all up.
Natalie walking around the jungle in a flesh colored bikini stumbles onto a cute, defenseless mouse, picks up a stick big enough to brain Russell, and proceeds to talk to the mouse. Camera shots switch between a Natalie confessional where she talks about how hungry she is and her trying to talk the mouse into turning around and not looking at her so she can crush it with a clear conscious.
SoCo: Oh, turn around. Close your eyes! Oh, I'm sorry. How pitiful! (You, or the animal? Its a toss up.) Hey, y'all! I caught some breakfast, y'all! Will you look at me? First, according to JP, I used like the Jedi mind trick to talk Galu into voting out Erik last night, and now I'm killing dinner. I about got this Survivor thing whooped.
JayJay: I'm really proud of Natalie. She came into this game the southern belle. She wasn't like all twisted steal and rockhard abs like me. And then she shows up with a rat in a coconut! I was like - DAMN!!!
REWARD CHALLENGE- The Spray Painted Coconuts
JP: We get a look at the new Aiga with Erik voted out last night. OH... nevermind. You were all THERE. Hahaha... Anyway, yeah, I don't really get this challenge. We are at the bottom of the coconut for challenge ideas, you know what I'm saying? No, we actually had someone out here spray painting coconuts. We paid someone to do it. That's right. Anyway, I guess you'll split into two teams however the heck I want you to, ER, I mean, you'll randomly be split into two teams. Each team will send a pair of runners out to retrieve poles of skewered, spray-painted coconuts. Though that whole part won't matter anyway because putting the coconuts in order so that the white coconuts show a sequence of 4 numbers will be where the RC will really be won or lost. You'll tell the last person on your team the 4 digits so that they can find the combination to a lock while blindfolded. Opening the lock raises a flag. Winner, winner, literally chicken dinner.
(When JP explains that chocolate brownies will be part of the lunch menu, the women appear to reenact a Herbal Essence commercial.)
The teams end up strangely tribal homogenous with Russell, Jaison, and Mick all on one team (yellow) with Brett and Laura while the rest of the Galu's populate the other team (purple). In a twist I'm yet to figure out, Natalie gets to sit out the challenge and simply chooses the team to coattail on. Loyal to the forfeiture of wisdom, she chooses the FU FU dominated team. The yellow team has the lead through the retrieve portion, mostly thanks to Shambo who presumably is decades from her daily PT while sporting a non-aerodynamic mullet. No matter, because in a continuation of the same-old-story, the Galu's work well together and assemble their digits first, giving Monica a huge advantage at finding the combination, which she does after a fortunate gratuitous shot of her backside, the clear highlight of the challenge.
JP: Purple team. Congrats. You'll be treated to a waterfall and pond reward not unlike the ROTU4 enjoyed before their demise. Nothing I'd be concerned about though. I'm sure you won't end up like those guys. Anyway, Yellow team + Natalie, I have nothing for ya. Frankly, FU FU members, look up "ineptness" in the dictionary and you'll see a picture of yourselves. Peace. Out.
The Galu's enjoy a pond, waterfall and rock slide. They also get a chicken dinner and ridonkulous donuts, according to Monica.
The Bachelor: It was so cool. I hit the rock slide and the pool and jumped off the cliffs. I told my mom I want to come back here next summer.
QutiePie: I am like scared of water slides at home, but those are made of fiberglass and risk assessed and insured for liability up the yingyang. I felt much safer just sliding down the sheer face of a natural rock formation.
Hot Sauce: This totally reminds me of Puerto Rico, where I'm from. The rain forest and the waterfall, reminds me of my family. Hey, while I was blindfolded during that challenge, I felt my butt get kinda hot. Like a camera was focused on it. Strange, I know.
The Bachelor: I'm now down with playing junior varsity Survivor. (Erik would say it is an episode late.)
Hot Sauce: I'm so happy with everyone here.
Danger Dave: (belch)
They get a clue to a hidden immunity idol with their meal. The clue reminds them that another HII is in play back at camp. They decide to keep the information "in Galu's house" as John would put it, except Shambo is right there, which means a rail fence has as much luck keeping a dog inside it.
BACK AT AIGA CAMP
Russell is looking for the HII, which he figures is around camp. He explains it must be near a landmark of some sort, and therefore concentrates his search around the few landmarks around camp, such as the fire, tree mail and a bridge. The rest of the team apparently is not wondering why Russell is away from camp by himself for long periods of time. Predictably, Russell finds the HII sitting beneath the bridge. Would it be any surprise that this guy found oil? I have a pair of glasses I lost in 6th grade that he could look for.
RussOil: Hahaha... I make miracles happen, baby! This is what I was born for! The rich get richer, you know what I'm saying? This could be worth a million dollars, or one spot, which is probably like 10 or 15K, but whatever. The point is this is why evil will always defeat good- because good is DUMB.
Shambo shows up, apparently reward trip over and out, and Russell shows Shambo the second HII he has found devoid of clues. Shambo is thrilled enough to kiss Russell, who immediately wants to put the HII back.
The Sham: DUDE! I am so pumped! Everyone votes for Russell, we vote for Laura, Russell plays the idol, DUDE, Laura goes home. It isn't like I'm obsessed or anything like that. It is just Laura can't see how much I rock, and that is really wrong, man. RESPECT, MAN!! The only thing that could go wrong is if Laura won immunity, but that won't happen since I just said so.
Surprisingly, Shambo shows some strategical sense by suggesting they vote out Kelly if Laura gets immunity. Monica is too disliked to be a threat, and none of the Galu guys are a concern because it is all about Laura, remember.
JP: Yeah, get a load of this. You all will throw hooks at bags until 3 of you retrieve two bags. Those 3 will then compete in putting together a shape puzzle. Whoever finishes the puzzle first, signal to me, and as long as I haven't fallen asleep first and I'm not busy talking with Monica or Kelly, I'll declare you the winner.
Mick shows his first challenge ability in the game by easily getting his bags first. Shambo follows. Russell hooks his second bag and smiles victoriously at JP. Problem is arch nemesis Laura has also just hooked her second bag, and she beats Russell in pulling her bag safely in. Russell looks away, demoralized and disbelieving that Laura just whooped him.
But his disbelief and the jar of whoopass being opened by Laura have both just begun. After struggling to undo the knots on her bags and spotting Shambo and Mick a lead on the shape puzzle, Laura seemingly memorizes the shapes and whips through the puzzle like a 6 year old late for lunch.
Boom, Laura makes miracles happen and foils Russell and Shambo's plans to get rid of her once again. This time by winning immunity against 6 guys and 4 other women.
Hera: Russell and Shambo. Dumb and dumber, basically. When are they going to learn that they can't beat me? I even toyed with both of them a little, let them think they were going to beat me, then I snatched it away. Let me say it one more time from the cheap seats, RUSSELL IS GOING HOME. (And thus guaranteeing for a 2nd time in the same episode that Russell is definitely NOT going home.)
BACK AT CAMP- The fateful decision
Shambo lies listless in a too-small hammock.
The Sham: I am totally bummed, man. Laura beat all of our @sses again. It is so depressing. Why can't she just GO AWAY!! Well, at least we can vote out Kelly and that will tick Laura off. So, at least I'll have that.
Russell reveals to his fellow FU FUs that he has the HII again and that they should just all vote Kelly and hope Galu votes for him.
JayJay: We're all just laying in the shelter thinking which one of us is going home, and then the Russell cat comes in saying he has the idol again and hopefully Galu will vote for him. I am really starting to like that guy. I get to lay there and do absolutely nothing and yet advance further in the game, while other people go home. Its beautiful.
MickieD: Russell just has a knack for finding idols. But you know, attitude reflects leadership, and Russell has the right attitude for it because he's getting the leadership he needs. I figure as long as his idol finding ability is equal to our ability to not win challenges, we'll be fine.
Meanwhile, in perhaps the key strategical moment in the game, the Galu4 of Danger Dave, Monica, Laura, and John are busy deciding who to vote for. Ironic since this exact meeting of the minds between the guys and gals last episode could have kept Erik in the game and sealed FU FUs fate.
Danger Dave: Simple, Russell, Natalie, Mick and then Jaison. Count it. Championship.
Hot Sauce: Maybe we should split our votes up in case someone found an idol. I mean, there are 7 of us, right? There are 4 FU FUs. So, 5 of us need to vote for Russell, but then maybe the other 5 could vote for Natalie to be sure.
The Bachelor: I like where your head is at, girl. If I were on FU FU, well, then they would be winners instead of losers, but besides that, I would be looking for another idol. It isn't rocket science. It is like Wisconsin, man. You are in and you are out.
Danger Dave: Nah, we don't even have to worry about that right now. Trust me. I have no reason to make that assertion, but still.
Hera: I would straighten these fellows out, but when it comes to strategy and men, that isn't my business. I just stay out of the way of that. Let them play their little boy games. I have the immunity necklace and I can't be beat. So, I'm not worried.
Erik is the first member of the jury and looks exactly the same as he did while at camp. He casts eye daggers at Galu all night like he wasn't the biggest pro Galu and anti-FU FU member on the show just a couple nights ago. Apparently, bitterness does still exist on Survivor afterall.
JP: So, Galu voted out one of its own last TC. Does that mean old tribal lines are dead?
Danger Dave: Not at all, Jeff, let me be the first one to throw Erik under the bus. It isn't like he'll be voting on the winner or anything.
QutiePie: Dave's right, Jeff. Erik is like a snake we had to snuff out. But, Erik, if I ever end up joining you at Ponderosa, forget about everything I just said, okay?
SoCo: I don't know, Jeff. We've been treated really well. We are like peas and carrots over here.
JP: (actually interrupts Natalie) Woah, Natalie, stop drinking the spiked kool-aid. You aren't one tribe, right?
SoCo: I guess I'm just saying no one is being mean or nothing is all.
JP: (rolls eyes)
Hot Sauce: If any of the FU FUs have tried to convince us, I respect that, but I don't think they've tried very hard. It is like they have an immunity idol or something and don't need any of us to switch, but we aren't worried about that.
JP: Okay, let's cut this off before I need a drink worse than I do now. TIME TO VOTE.
Parade to the cookie jar.
Time to read the votes.
Russell gets up and pulls out another idol from his cornucopia of idols. Declares that he isn't done playing yet. Dave wears a shocked smile like Russell just pulled an oil drum out of his posterior. Laura looks like a storm brewing, but somewhat unconcerned with the immunity necklace about her neck. John looks stoic like- IT ISN"T ROCKET SCIENCE, DUMBASSES. And Monica looks the most concerned, probably because she figures she is likely to go.
After a string of futile Russell votes, the night's loser is revealed as Kelly, who is understandably shocked that out of all the members of Galu, she would be the target. Knowing full well why Kelly was targeted, Laura is furious and basically whispers, NOW, ITS ON.
Kelly laments her shock at the dismissal and vents some anger towards Russell and all of FU FU in her final words.
NEXT TIME ON SURVIVOR- RUSSELL AND LAURA = WAR
and a mad scramble for the idol in play again...