Well, well, well. Before I start this summary I have to say thank you to Estee for giving me the BESTEST EVAH Survivor to summarize. My first Survivor summary and I get
The Slaying of St. George
Previously on Survivor
Since the merge:
Brendan was blindsided when he failed to use his HII to save himself. Fortunately for him, he only had one HII in his pocket and not two, so the title of stupidest Survivor still belongs to James.
Tyson was butchered, boiled, deep-fried and then discarded when it was discovered there wasn’t enough meat on his bones to feed a snake.
Then, hell froze over and Coach won immunity, so Sierra was sent to jail. Luckily she already had the prison stripes.
Debbie finally saw how delusional coach is, turned on Coach and said to the rest of the tribe, “We all have to write his name down.” Which in Survivor editing means everyone (except Debbie) voted for Debbie.
Coach was completely shocked. JT told Coach that his #1 ally was gunning for him and in true warrior fashion, JT and Stephen came to the rescue and saved Coach. Coach couldn’t understand how it happened. After all, he’s the one who has been controlling the whole game. He’s the one who knows everything going on and knows every move that’s about to happen. Everyone does his bidding. Well, except for when Tyson was blindsided. And then when Debbie was blindsided. And then when – wait, I’m getting ahead of myself.
He felt like a lamb being led to slaughter. Stephen, doing a beautiful piece of lying in a game where there has been NO lying – only honesty and integrity, tells Coach that they didn’t want to tell him beforehand because Coach wouldn’t believe them. Coach is all puffed up because everyone saved him. He knows he’s a dangerous player. He thanks everyone for protecting him. And, as Coach wanders off to delusional LaLa Land, he announces, “What’s the lesson? That the game is still being played with truth and honesty.” Coach says he’s almost speechless. Almost. If only.
What Coach said: “Wow. I’m a dangerous player. Everyone saved me. Thank you.”
What Coach was thinking: “Oh, cr@p, oh, cr@p, oh, cr@p! I had no idea Debbie turned on me and no idea that they were going to vote her out! I’m not in charge of this game! I have no one left in my alliance from the original Timbira tribe. I’m probably next!”
Coach finally realizes he’s
never been no longer in control of this game. So Coach asks JT when he’s going. He’s at JT’s mercy. He asks if Erinn is next and then Taj. JT says yes. Coach asks about Exile. JT doesn’t want to send the girls.
Then Coach starts whining and puling – his lungs are scarred from breathing in the smoke, like he smoked 20 cigars. But, ever the martyr, he declares “Whatever you guys want. I hope my asthma doesn’t flare up. It’s kicking my ass. My back is flaring up.”
Now, here’s the strange thing about Coach. Here’s a man who talks at great length (extremely great lengths) about anything and everything yet this is the first time we are hearing about his myriad physical ailments. I blame editing. Yeah, that’s it. They must have cut out all his confessions and discussions with other tribe members about his ailments because they had hours and hours of him talking and they just couldn’t include this information as well. I’m sure that Coach was really sick and wasn’t pretending. Sure.
Coach says that the noble thing would be to send JT or Coach to exile. And we all know that Coach feels that this game should be played with honesty and integrity. But then he says that the cold calculating competitor in him says to send Taj or Erinn. What a weenie.
Stephen says he and JT want to send Coach to Exile. He’s been selling out everyone. He’s mentioned his ailments but it’s never seemed to affect him (see, I was right, they edited out any mention of Coach’s ailments because Stephen seems to know all about them). He doesn’t think Coach knows how to build a fire or cook food (because IRL that’s what assistant coaches are for). He asks JT why they don’t just tell Coach they’re sending him to Exile. JT says it doesn’t matter. He says he’s going to send Coach home at the next immunity. In JT’s mind, Coach is already gone.
The reward challenge is a race through a Survivor maze with their feet shackled. At the end of the maze the survivors have to assemble a pole, use the pole to grab a sand bag, then swing the sand bag and knock over three targets to raise their flag. The stupid part of this challenge is that they all enter the maze at the same starting point. So all they need to do is follow someone who is really good at challenges right out to the other side of the maze. Who? Who is good at challenges? Who should they follow? Who have they been following for 30-some-odd days?
In a surprising turn of events, JT starts off the challenge with a big lead. Everyone follows JT except Taj. Stephen and Taj both hit dead ends and fall far behind. Coach shuffles along behind JT. Erinn follows. JT leads them right out of the maze. They get to the pole making. Coach has trouble untying his poles. JT is in the lead. Jiffy tells them that once they think their pole is long enough they should reach for the sandbag. JT’s pole is much longer than Coach’s pole. Just sayin’.
JT finishes his pole first, grabs the sand bag, and hits two targets. Coach finally has his pole ready but it’s kind of limp looking. Maybe he needs some Viagra. JT wins. Coach is visibly upset.
JT gets to pick who goes to Exile. Erinn, Taj, and Stephen stand apart from Coach like he has cooties. He probably does. He’s got all sorts of physical ailments. JT asks for volunteers. When no one volunteers, he appeals to Coach’s honor and says, “Let’s be noble coach.” Coach seems to be okay with going to Exile. He says he’s going to take the monastic approach – no eating, no drinking, no sex, and lots of
What Coach said: “I’m going to take the monastic approach – no food, no drink, no sex, meditation.”
What Coach was thinking: “I can’t build a fire so I can’t boil my water, I can’t catch any food, and there’s no assistant coach around for conjugal visits, so I may as well just meditate during my time on Exile and see if I can whip up some sympathy from my former alliance.”
Then Erinn ruins any chance she has of winning Survivor by calling out Coach. She says he’s going to take the “monastic approach” so he’ll come back not having eaten or slept and minimize everyone else’s stay on exile and have an excuse for not winning immunity when he comes back. Coach is saddened that Erinn would cut him down.
What Coach said: “My body is this close to total disaster. I have disks on the right side that have ruptured. I feel like my left one is about ready to slip.” the only thing slipping is his knowledge of anatomy “I just started menopause but I think my brain tumor is temporarily in remission. My asthma is choking me up so bad I can’t breathe. It doesn’t matter if I win immunity or I don’t win immunity. I make no excuses.” I think I counted about 20 excuses in there “You can throw stones at me.” Can we?! Can we?! “Hit me with your best shot Pat Benetar.” I wonder if that was one of the songs Taj used to sing when she was a pop singer? Will she sing it at the next tribal council if Coach is voted out?
What Coach was thinking: “I’m screwed. Let’s see if I can at least make JT feel bad about his decision.”
JT takes Stephen on reward because Stephen took him on an earlier reward. Taj and Erinn go back to camp so they can play with each other’s hair, gossip, and wash each other in the stream. JT could have had a piece of that and asked one of the girls instead of Stephen.
Taj tells Erinn that she’s confident in her alliance with the guys. Erinn feels guilty for speaking out loud but Taj supports her and says Coach is a jerk. (See, there is honesty in this game!) She says he has a broken disk and asthma and then he’s not going to eat on exile? Gimme a break. He talks all this smack about being broken down but he was on the warrior hill with JT. Erinn realizes her stupidity in speaking up after the reward challenge and would hate, hate, hate it if anything she said might get her sent home early. So would we.
We get a lovely shot of Coach slowly trekking to Exile Sand Dune, carrying his worldly goods. The vultures are shown flying overhead. Or is it a soaring eagle? Nope. This is Coach. Those are vultures.
Coach declares his trip to Exile to be like a vacation where he can work on his suntan. He complains about all those wishy-washy people at camp with no character. The sun starts baking his brain and Coach starts talking in the 3rd person. He whips out his thesaurus and declares himself to be unbreakable, unbending, unyielding, immeasurable, immovable, and invincible. And I whip out my thesaurus and declare him to be unstable, unimportant, insignificant, undetermined, cowardly, weak, and defenseless.
What Coach said: “I won’t eat. I’ll be like the ancient American Indians who would go into wilderness for 48 hours and become a man. Well, I’m already a man so this will just make me more of a man.”
We temporarily break from this summary while grit vomits.
“Thank you God for creating me as an individual. I pray that God forgives Erinn, who’s probably back at camp thinking negative thoughts about me.”
What Coach was thinking: “I’m really screwed. I’m not going to win Survivor so let me see if I can at least showcase my acting skills out here on Exile. Millions of people are going to be watching the greatness that is Coach Ben Wade.”
The vulture circles again. The dragon slayer makes his dragon cane. Coach reverts back to the 3rd person again, “Coach Wade’s body might be failing him in many ways but Coach Wade still has what it takes to outlast anyone in this environment.” The vulture circles once more. (These are exact quotes. There was no need for me to create anything – his own words were hilarious enough on their own.)
Finally we get to the reward, which is a flight on a private jet to the Governor’s retreat for a shower, a feast, and a real bed. The retreat is beautiful. There’s one bed for 2 guys. I still wonder why JT would take Stephen instead of, oh, say Erinn who is way hotter. They get a look at themselves in the mirror. They’re shocked. Stephen checks out how gross his teeth are. That’s something I wish editing had left out.
Porn music starts playing, JT is in the shower moaning and groaning, saying he can’t get enough of this……..soap. Then they go for their feast in their bathrobes. An authentic Brazilian barbecue with tons of meat. They keep eating and eating and eating. They toast to the final two. JT says he will take Coach to the final 3. Erinn was out of line. Stephen in confessional says it wasn’t smart of Erinn to blab. That’s why people get voted out.
Back on Exile Sand Dune, we see a single vulture circling overhead, then tons of vultures circling, and a shot of Coach laying in the water. Wait! Is he dead? OMG! My wish came true! Wait, I saw his ribs move, so no such luck. He’s just sleeping. I thought he said he wasn’t going to sleep. He said he’s had no sleep, no food, he’s starving, very little water (and so much for saying he would have no water). Coach thinks it was a great experience.
What Coach said: “I’ve been in the Amazon, Congo, Oronoco, the Verian Gap, add the dunes at Exile to the list. Yes I’m walking slower, my asthma is still acting up, I think I’m pregnant, and I’m sure it’s an alien baby because my central disk bundle is hypertensive. I don’t feel tired, I don’t feel hungry. I just have amazing mental focus. (Which is easy to do when your brain is really, really tiny.) I plan on winning immunity today.”
What Coach was thinking: “I’ve been to Amazon.com, I’ve heard of the Congo, Oronoco, and the Verian Gap when I researched them to have more “facts” in my book about my kayak adventure so that it sounded like it was real. If I pretend that I’m hurt everyone will keep me around thinking I won’t be a threat to win the next immunity. Then, I can show them that I’m really okay and win the next immunity with my awesome physical prowess. And if they do vote me out, I can claim that I was much too injured to continue on and save face.”
And we see Coach limp off of Exile Sand Dune his stick and a huge bag on back like Santa Claus. Wait, his bundle was much smaller when he went to Exile. I hope he’s not stealing the Exile Sand Dune’s towels, bathrobes, shampoos, and soaps.
Coach limps into the immunity challenge with his cane. Taj does a double-take and turns away so she can smirk. Stephen is shocked! OMG coach! He hugs Coach. We get another laugh from Taj and in confessional she says she saw Coach with his cane. What a drama queen! And then we get the quote of the season, “Any 37 year-old man who thinks he’s a dragon slayer belongs in a mental institution. They need to come get him. When we have tribal council, he’ll be free and they can come get him.”
Jiffy asks how Exile was. Coach said he was freezing, he didn’t get any sleep, he didn’t have any water, no food, it was the best time of his life. Except for the time that the pygmies attacked him, tied him up and probed him.
Jiffy takes back the necklace from Stephen and Coach, sounding like he’s parched, asks JT for some water. All that talking about how Exile was the best time of his life must have made him thirsty.
Immunity is an endurance challenge. They have to use their arms to brace themselves between two walls while their feet are on small footholds. If you fall off, you’re out. The last one standing wins immunity.
Jeff says this is where mental toughness wins out. Everyone lasts the first 15 minutes. In an attempt to distract Coach’s mental concentration, Jiffy asks Coach if he thinks the time he spent meditating while on Exile may help him for a challenge like this. Yap yap yap from Coach. “I wanted my mind to tell my body that I can do it. This is mind over matter.” Jiffy tells them that it will get difficult. It must be harder with Jiffy yapping away while they’re trying to concentrate. Erinn slips on next foothold change. Stephen struggles and falls. Taj struggles and falls. Jeff yaps on some more.
JT and Coach - the listener and the talker, the young buck and older warrior battling it out for spot in final four. How can they concentrate when Jiffy just goes on and on? JT asks if there’s any food. Coach tells JT to just drop out now. I trust you implicitly JT. Jiffy eggs on Coach, “This is how you wanted it, Coach, a battle against the best. You’re getting it today after 36 days.”
After 50 minutes, Jiffy tells them to fight the pain. Your feet will recover but you won’t recover if you’re voted out. JT still looks comfortable.
JT: “You won’t let me wear that necklace, will you Coach?”
Taj: “Don’t hurt your back anymore.”
And suddenly, Coach goes into labor (see, I was right, he was pregnant!) bending over, crying, gritting his teeth, screams his best pushing-out-the-baby scream, and steps down. Then he curls up on ground and cries like little girl. Stephen is the first one to go over to Coach, then JT. Taj is over on the bench, laughing quietly. There’s blood dripping from her mouth because she’s biting on her tongue so hard to keep from laughing out loud. Stephen tells Coach he was incredible. Finally Taj & Erinn go over to Coach. They help Coach up.
What Coach said: “My back was spazzing the last 10 minutes. I felt something let go.”
What Coach was thinking: “D@mn, I couldn’t do it anymore and I didn’t want anyone to think I’m weaker than JT so I’ll play the sympathy card.”
Jiffy asks if medical should take a look at it.
What Coach said: “No, nobody’s taking me out of the game right now. If medical looks at it they’ll see something wrong and take me out. Please, no!"
What Coach was thinking: “No, don’t let them look at it. They won’t find anything wrong and everyone will know I’m a fraud.”
Jiffy finally gives JT the immunity necklace. For the second time this episode, Coach has stolen JT’s thunder.
JT helps Coach back to camp, where Coach has a Miraculous Recovery! While walking into camp, Coach is still limping a little with his cane but seems to be much better. He’s not really using the cane in very supportive manner. He hugs JT. He sits around the campfire, leaning forward, with no obvious back pain or problems with his asthma.
Erinn and Taj talk about Coach and his miraculous recovery and how he’s full of it. Erinn says he didn’t want medical to look at his back because they wouldn’t have found anything wrong with it (but they would have discovered his mental ailment and taken him out anyway).
Coach blathers on about his worthy defeat. JT and Stephen assure Coach that they’re pissed at Erinn too. JT promises Coach he will vote for Erinn. Stephen, in confessional, says he doesn’t know what he’s going to do. Coach said Erinn called him out right in the very beginning. Those are the kind of people who get their ass voted out. Because no one trusts them. Erinn belongs right there beside the other jury members. Coach asks JT, there aren’t going to be any surprises, are there? I’m done with the surprises at tribal. The warrior alliance is still going strong. It still hasn’t backfired on him (except for when both Tyson and Debbie were blindsided without his knowledge, that is). Coach will be the last tribe member of what used to be Timbira. Coach is the last of the Mohicans.
At tribal, Jiffy lets Coach ramble on about Exile and then asks Erinn how she felt about Coach’s dramatics.
What Coach said: “Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. (Taj and Sierra are snickering while Coach speaks.) There’s really nothing else to say.” so shut up already “Mark Twain – better to be thought a fool than open your mouth and remove all doubt. I’ve already done that.” And finally stops talking.
What Coach was thinking: “If I can’t dazzle them with my intellect, maybe I can baffle them with my bullshit.”
Jiffy: “Erinn – secure?”
“Coach, will it be a surprise?”
“Based on what?”
“I have great intuition.”
“Let’s get to vote.”
And Coach, in one more final DAWish move, stops the vote to recite a poem that he wrote in honor of the death of St. George. Something about honor blah blah blah. The poem is a huge hit with the jury members. It lulled Brendan and Sierra to sleep. JT keeps his immunity idol and the survivors vote.
Coach, Erinn, Erinn (Erinn looks unhappy, Coach gloats), Coach (Coach looks worried and surprised, jury looks happy), and Coach, to the relief of millions of viewers, is finally voted out. Sierra looks orgasmic. Great intuition, Coach.
Coach says, “It was an honor, guys.” All of a sudden he’s limping again down the path. Towards the guys with the white jackets and rubber soled shoes.
What Coach said: "Yak, yak, yak, sadness, blah, blah, blah, why would they keep Erinn over him, yadda, yadda, yadda, warrior, babble, babble, babble, white wizard, evil wizard."
What Coach was thinking: "There's no way I'm paying the casting agent their fee."