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"Official RTVW Survivor #18 Reunion Summary: No Truth And Consequences (a total lack of adventure in rough paraphrase)."
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Estee 55194 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Playboy Centerfold"

05-18-09, 05:25 PM (EST)
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"Official RTVW Survivor #18 Reunion Summary: No Truth And Consequences (a total lack of adventure in rough paraphrase)."
{And the moment freezes, leaving us somewhere in New York City. (No one's going to tell us just where because it's a live show and some of us are close enough to get into attack range before the closing credits.) JT has just won a million dollars through the power of STEPHEN's total inability to take credit for his own actions, deeds, thoughts, and words -- although to be fair, there are gorillas working on their sign language who would be reluctant to take credit for STEPHEN's Tribal Council words. (We surveyed JUDD. The results were telling.)}

{Before we can bid farewell to our latest group of idiots -- and oh, do we ever want to sweep this heap of refuse under the nearest flaming carpet once and for all -- there's a final formality to observe. Someone always has to see this in, and someone has to see it out. The last words must be captured, or at least twisted and tortured into something we can remotely stand. We learned all about torture this year, didn't we? Torture is what we still have another hour of to deal with, and there isn't a Congressional act on the docket that would make MB downgrade us to mere waterboarding.)

{There are sixteen DAWs in the middle of gathering on stage near a supposed ringmaster who's spent most of the season happily scourging himself with a casting-provided whip. There is a live audience, although gawds only know why. And we are here, too. We are always here, and you'd really think we'd know better by now.}

{One more thing to get through and we can all start to forget. Not entirely, mind you. We can't fully dismiss the horrors of this season, or they might happen again. But it's like going through labor: as soon as the pain starts to fade, the memory goes with it. If anyone truly remembered the agony of birth, strongly enough to get all those nerve endings firing again, no one would go through it twice. And if we fully recalled the pains of the last thirteen episodes, we would walk away forever -- and the show would become extinct.}


{ One hour, and then let the curtain of mercy drop. We need to forget. We forgot an entire season of TAR once. We can do this. We have to. Because forgetting isn't just the greatest mercy for us. It's the greatest punishment for another and oh, does he ever deserve it.}

{Sixty minutes of torture to give birth to peace.}

{We have to let JEFF talk now. That's the first part of the pain. }

{And by the way: since this is technically a non-elimination episode, shouldn't Bebo be writing this?}

Jeff: 'For only the second time since we started letting these idiots feel they had some say in who the winner was, no one in that group had the brainpower to remember a second name they could write on their parchment.' {groans} 'Well, what do you expect from people who have to get a camera operator's help before they can spell out 'Tag'...? Stephen rode JT all the way to the end, and then JT rode Stephen like the little city sissy boy he is, whimpering all the way to his home town in search of just one person who can stand him. And if only he'd had the brains to be known as 'S' for thirty-nine days, he clearly would have taken this thing seven-nothing... So are these morons still pretending they're actually friends? Are the rumors about Sierra having poisoned the camp water on the first day even remotely true? Can we get Coach to admit he personally rigged the game clock to favor the Russians in the 1972 Olympic basketball finals in order to stabilize the United States? I have absolutely no chance of getting the answers to any of these things when we return from commercial, because all of the questions are more than two letters long and Coach is just too modest to admit he saved America. But we've got an hour to kill here, so let's pretend, shall we?' {glances back at JT's ongoing celebration} 'Wonder if it's time to let him know the million was sponsored by AIG...'

{Commercials which no one can be bothered to recap except to note that yes, gawds help us, the Chenbot will be back and it will be pregnant, and then we return to find the cast organized into the usual seating pattern of 'You know, if Tyson loses the last shred of his sanity right now, he can pretty much reach anybody he wants to.' JEFF is in his usual position: near-total boredom. Oh, and JT is crying.}

Jeff: 'Despite my efforts to get out of this contract, we are back at the Token Cheese reunion --'

JT: 'Jeff, that's Tocantins.'

Jeff: 'Don't tell me how to pronounce something, Subtitle Boy. Now what's going on with your eyes? Is the game's perfect little social machine having a bit of a breakdown? Did the antifreeze tubing develop a leak?'

JT: 'I'm just so happy -- I got the win, I got the money --' {brief sounds of scrambling backstage that sound sort of like someone making an emergency call to Congress} '-- and you played that great montage of all my best game moments...'

Jeff: 'He actually knows the word 'montage'. Let's see Stephen fail to take credit for that one, too. Given how much Coach --' {sighs, deeply and longingly, in a way that makes people think of Colby -- but --} '-- oh, Coach -- deservedly dominated the editing this season, I just thought we had to remind people who the hell you were.'

Coach: 'That's very nice of you to admit the truth like that, Jeff.'

Jeff: 'I know! This whole past week in the city, whenever the police weren't trying to get my hands off their necks and throw me into the back of the car, they were all talking about how much they hated you! And they loved JT! And this is the really amazing part: they even knew who JT was! I know I didn't! They've got you in the same category as Hatch, Coach, and they want you two in the same cell... I'm telling you, this is a city full of some very sick people.'

JT: 'It produced my best friend ever, Stephen. The guy so great, he threw every vote just to give me the million!'

Jeff: 'He knows 'montage', but not 'sick'... Are you trying to tell me you two idiots are actually friends after that little throwback at the final TC?'

Sierra: 'Jeff, don't you mean 'throwdown'?'

Jeff: 'Trust me, with you people, 'throwback' is high on my mind. Well, JT? Please phrase your answer in the form of a homily.'

JT: 'We're tighter than a tick clinging to a dog's butt!'

Jeff: 'And he even knows 'homily'... Now why, of all the people in your tribe, would you ever choose this guy as your ally? He's everything you're not!'

JT: 'Yeah, I know. He's got the zero and I've got the seven! Ain't it great?'

Tyson: 'It's lame.'

Jeff: 'Tyson, it isn't your turn yet.'

Tyson: 'They got together because they each recognized that essential lameness in the other.'

Jeff: 'Tyson, we're on JT now --'

Tyson: 'I'm dating Farrah.'

Jeff: {briefly closes eyes} 'JT, say it fast.'

JT: 'Well, you know how I had that time around Day Twelve when I was questioning what I was ever doing here? Stephen had it on Day One, Second Twelve! After that, I just knew we were best buds.'

Jeff: 'All right. Now, about that vote --'

JT: 'Also, I'm pretty sure he's a Jew and Peter Griffin always says I should get one of those to handle my money. So I did! Cool, huh?'

Jeff: 'Moving on to the --'

JT: 'And if there had been any pork in that auction and he'd bought it? Score!'

Jeff: 'Stephen, why did you approach JT to be your alliance partner? It's not as if you have that much in common to build on, other than neither of you being the shining divinity that is Coach.'

Coach: 'Thank you again, Jeff.'

Jeff: 'Just doing my job. So?'

Stephen: {stares at COACH for a second, then at JEFF before marshaling an answer} 'I'm a total nerd and the most popular kid in school wanted me to hang out with him and do his homework. What part of 'reflected popularity' do I not understand? None! This was my one big chance to actually have someone pretend to be my friend! And it worked all the way to the end -- so I won!'

Jeff: 'Tyson, cover JT's ears?' {TYSON slams his hands over JT's ears, producing a very sincere 'Ow!'} 'Stephen, you're totally going to steal the money when JT asks you to invest it for him, aren't you?'

Stephen: 'Score!'

Jeff: 'Huh. I think I could actually almost respect that... Okay, Tyson, let go. Tyson, let go. Now, Tyson.'

Tyson: 'Blondourage forever!'

Stephen: 'Actually, we have Tyson to partially thank for the million.'

Tyson & Jeff, chorus: 'Say what?'

Stephen: 'Well, Coach thought JT was some kind of warrior spirit...'

Jeff: 'Ancestral? Umbral? Archetype?'

Stephen: 'Dude, I'm a wizard. I'm in the other rulebook. Anyway, once the merge happened, Tyson told all his plans to Coach...'

Tyson: 'My words were not to be repeated by mortal tongues!'

Stephen: '...and then Coach told JT, and JT told me. So we always knew what was going on in the other camp.'

Jeff: 'So in other words, Coach selected the man he wanted to win because Coach knew he could personally get a million at any time just by asking, then made sure JT got to the end. Which is why JT got a 7-0 vote, because Coach talked everyone into following what had been his master plan all along!'

Coach: 'You've got it, Jeff!'

Brendan: 'But that was my plan!'

Sierra: 'Hey, we never --!'

Jeff: 'Shut up, you. Coach says you're poison. Or you poison people. Either way, you svck. And this season was still all about Coach in the end, because he's the greatest Survivor ever.'

Coach: 'Every time you talk about me, the false Seagal gets a little weaker and I get a little stronger.'

Jeff: 'I am your humble servant. So deferring the pleasure of speaking with you a little longer...' {shivers in ecstasy} '...Stephen, why don't you admit Coach is a better person than JT? Redeem your city!'

Stephen: 'And go against Debbie? Because her question to me was all about trying to get what I thought was the honest answer, and then the one for JT was about making him look like the best person ever!'

Debbie: 'I'm a principal. I don't care about what actually happened. I only care about the facts that support the conclusion I've already reached! Besides, he's the popular kid and you're the nerd. Who cares what happens to you?'

Sierra: 'Isn't that a little dangerous to admit on national television?'

Debbie: 'I didn't admit anything.'

Sierra: 'But you just --"

Debbie: 'There's no record of my having said something nothing. I'd remember if there was.'

Sierra: 'Debbie, you're doing it again.'

Debbie: 'Where am I?'

Jeff: 'You're with Kathleen, and she loves you very much. Brendan, will you just admit Coach engineered JT's win and you were only picking up on the vibes from his greatness that told you to throw majority?'

Brendan: 'Jeff, are you drugged? You know how much trouble we had maintaining cohesion as a group, and a lot of that has to be blamed on Tyson and your beloved Coach! And then Erinn switched!'

Erinn: 'Fourth place with their alliance or sixth with you guys. Gee, I wonder how I'm ever going to make that decision.'

Jeff: 'And you were just going along with Coach's master plan, as a good minion should.' {ERINN starts to open her mouth. TYSON slams his hand over it.} 'Just like Taj did by never proposing at any point that it was time to get rid of JT.'

Taj: 'Well, I'm the girl who's going to move on to stardom and marry the star football player. Of course I'm going to swing with the popular crowd. And by never playing my idol --'

Jeff: 'There was no idol this season.'

Taj: {blinks} 'Jeff, I found it.'

Jeff: 'Coach did not make an idol. Therefore, there was no idol. God, you people are delusional.'

Taj: 'Jeff, do you have any idea how small your pupils are right now?'

Jeff: {sarcastic} 'As small as your chances of winning once you told everyone you were a former pop star with a millionaire husband? As small as this fragment of JT's tooth I've been using in my self-taught voodoo classes for the past six months? Which, by the way, do nothing... so much for ever putting a season in Haiti in lieu of my bothering to pay that five hundred bucks... Ow!' {clutches at his side} 'Well, that was a mysterious and unexpected stabbing pain that appeared for no apparent reason. Anyway, JT, is your mother in the house? Over there? Fine. Take this fragment of tooth. It's useless, but you raised JT and you're used to having useless things around you. Or at least he was until Coach graciously elected to elevate him just a little tiny bit.'

JT: 'Jeff, I don't like the way you're sweating...'

Jeff: {irritated} 'Coach's divine light produces a lot of heat. Okay, we're going to commercial, and then I'll talk to some people. I need the time to change my shirt anyway.}

{More ads play, and when we return, JEFF is in a nice clean garment. He's also swaying slightly from side to side. He doesn't seem to have noticed.}

Jeff: 'Metronome -- metronome... Oh, we're back? Okay, before I get back to giving Coach the worship he so truly deserves, let me defer the pleasure just a bit longer. {shivers again} 'Taj, we just showed a montage --'

JT: 'I like that word!'

Jeff: {glares} '-- of your time on the show for one reason and one reason only. Not because the sick people in this city like you more than they're willing to worship Coach. Not because you used to be some category of pop star. And certainly not because you finished in fourth after Coach decided he wasn't going to anoint you. Because you're married to Eddie George --'

Taj: 'Jeff, are you even listening to yourself any more?'

Coach: 'Of course he is, because he's speaking my words. I happen to be the world's greatest writer.'

Jeff: '-- and Coach taught him everything he knows about playing football, so you've at least been mildly elevated at two-remove. How did it feel to finally bask in the source? I know, but I want you to describe it for the audience so we can compare it to my experience.'

Taj: 'Don't you want to talk about my transition from a pampered recording artist to a woman who can start her own fires, catch her own fish, build her own shelter, and wrestle you to the ground until Medical arrives if you don't start making sense?'

Jeff: 'No. What is wrong with you people? I'm glad your precious perfect skin suffered a million bug bites while you were out there: that's the punishment for breaking a Coachmandment! Did I complain when you bruised my arm with that reaction clutch when you realized Eddie was waiting for you? Did I have you killed the way I normally would in a season with more than sixteen people available? No, I did not! Because we didn't have any spares and that's why we're going to eighteen in the fall! But it still makes me a good person, because Coach says so! Eddie, you're in the audience tonight -- talk some sense into your wife!'

Eddie: {confused} 'Jeff, I don't know what you're talking about. I've never met that guy before.'

Jeff: 'You saw him in one of his many guises and so should recognize the brilliance of his person now.'

Eddie: 'I saw my wife become stronger, lose the baby weight she was joking about going out there to shed, change as a person...'

Jeff: 'I cannot believe this lack of gratitude. If Coach hadn't told me to do it, I'd really be starting to question having cast you for next season.'

Eddie: {really confused} 'I didn't even apply...'

Jeff: {irritated} 'No one applies. Okay, fine -- let's move on to someone who at least had the common sense to become an apostle to the church of Coach, which allowed him to unleash his inner demons in a way that only did good -- just like me! Roll that --' {checks JT} '-- assorted footage moments assembly for Tyson.'

{The camera shows Tyson indulging in his favorite pastime: plotting the deaths of everyone in the universe for not living up to the standard of being him. It probably doesn't go on for more than six years.}

Jeff: 'Tyson, like so many other people we've cast from Utah, you were a Mormon before you saw Coach's light. Aren't you a little worried about what your former leaders will do when they see the totality of your conversion?'

Erinn: 'Jeff, you nearly went off the seat on that last sway.'

Jeff: 'Shut up, Erinn: your part in the ineffable plan is over. Well, Tyson?'

Tyson: 'No one can tell me what to do! I act in divine grace! My insults cast the undeserving into Hell! My taunts show them their proper place in the universe: with my boot stomping on their face, forever! This I believe! This I have always believed! Thus it shall forever be!' {pauses} 'Blondourage!'

Jeff: {curious} 'So you're saying that the Church of Later-Day Saints already preached that before Coach cleaned it up? Because Todd and Neleh never mentioned --'

Tyson: 'The what?'

Jeff: 'Your old faith.'

Tyson: 'I never changed faiths. I worship my own perfection, same as I always have.'

Jeff: 'But you --'

Tyson: 'I think I'll eat your soul last.'

Jeff: 'You know you've grown the classic jerk moustache, right?'

Tyson: 'It's just like the ones Jesus and Joseph Smith had! Not that I'm comparing myself to them or anything.'

Jeff: 'Well, I'm glad to hear that, at least.'

Tyson: 'Because I'm much better than they ever were.'

Jeff: 'You know, even when I consider just how many religions have damned me, I still find that a little bit insulting. But I suppose as long as Coach chose you... Sierra?' {SIERRA perks up.} 'Coach hates you and so do I. Moving on...'

Sierra: 'But -- I was sick! I didn't do anything wrong! I built the camp!'

Jeff: 'Coach foresaw you as the Anti-Contestant and cast you out of his light. Sure, it took some time to actually remove you, but he saw the Mark of the Beast! He put it on you so that all could see!'

Sierra: 'If he put it on me, then what does that make him, Jeff? I had to fight every day to stay in the game, I had to work as a total outcast, I had to deal with Tyson hating me --'

Tyson: 'Don't take it so personally. I hate everybody.'

Sierra: '-- and I still made it to the jury and helped take down a dragon of my own! And you're going to give all the credit to Coach for being part of his ineffable plan? What does that even mean?'

Jeff: {shaking his head, looking oddly sad} 'Honestly, you almost have to pity the damned... All right, I've taken the monastic route for long enough. When we get back from commercial, I'm going to commune with my beloved and bask in his glory at long last.'

{The commercials do not go on long enough to shake that one off, and seeing the montage --}

JT: 'That word is so cool!'

{-- of COACH's Greatest Jerk Moments (condensed from the full thirty-six days because TYSON used that much time) doesn't exactly help. And yet when we return, JEFF is solidly ready to bask. (The kneeling position at COACH's feet is presumably for letting him receive maximum light.)}

Jeff: 'You are the glory.'

Coach: {modest} 'That I am.'

Jeff: 'Yours is the kingdom, forever and ever.'

Coach: {humble} 'True, true. I am a hero. I am epic.' {glances behind him} 'I am immune to all of your attempts to slay me with eye rolls, for only my eyes command the power.'

Jeff: 'I can only hope to kill again and again in your name.'

Coach: {pleased} 'Oh, you will...'

Jeff: 'I can start with the thin blonde one --' {abruptly doubles over, clutching at his stomach} 'What -- what just -- my intestines are on fire! My -- my head --' {slams his right temple head, staggers to his feet, blindly moving towards his chair, keening in pain}

Coach: {mournfully} 'Oh, no...'

Jeff: 'You -- I -- argh!' {collapses into his chair}

Coach: ''s so hard to get the dosage just right...'

Jeff: {staring about wildly before focusing on Guess Who} 'You drugged me!'

Coach: 'Of course I did. I drug everybody because it helps them see my light. Well, everyone I have the ingredients on hand for. There just weren't enough of the right plants in Brazil to get the whole cast and there was no way to reach the other tribe without physically exerting myself, so I concentrated on the most important people to bring into my circle. And since you're the host...'

Jeff: 'You -- you took my mind! My sense of self! My right to murder whoever I feel like murdering!'

Coach: 'I was just going to put your talents to good use. Once I got you near Keogan, we could both finally be happy --'

Jeff: 'How much of what you told me while I was under the influence is true? Any of it? -- oh, screw this: under penalty clause 15r, I'm throwing you into the lie detector test as a warmup act! The one with the sharp polygraph needles! We're going to see if anything's real here!'

Coach: {panicked} 'No! No, I -- I took one myself before I ever got here!'

Jeff: {slowly} 'You -- what?'

Coach: {desperately pulls an envelope out from under his jacket and thrusts it at Jeff} 'See? I knew your faith in me would need restoring!'

Jeff: {slowly, slowly takes the envelope} 'Oh, right. And this doesn't have ancient printer track guide holes on it or anything -- oh, wait. It does. On the envelope.' {opens it} 'And the interior is -- written in crayon.'

Coach: 'I'm protecting the environment by not using an unnatural product like ink.'

Jeff: {reading contents with increasing disbelief} 'Section one: everything Coach has ever said is true, especially where it concerns native Amazon tribes who wanted to eat him. Section two: Coach is both the greatest person to ever live and the pinnacle of human evolution. Section three: Coach has taken on two black jaguars, by hand, at the same time, and won without breaking a sweat. Section four: no matter what that lying biographer might try to tell you, Coach destroyed every last Horcruxes all by himself. Section five: you should drink whatever Coach gives you. Section six: Sierra will sleep with Coach the second he asks her to and be in a threesome with Candace. Section seven: not many people know Italy has secretly run Portugal for the last two thousand years, for the spelling of our tribe name is the only clue. Section eight: Anvil falls on Plucky. Anvil falls on Plucky. Two anvils fall on Plucky!'

{A total of four anvils plummet from the ceiling, each landing on JOE's head. JOE slumps to the ground, unconscious. No one bothers to notice.}

Coach: 'I think I left room for a few more Coachmandments. Does anyone have a spare crayon?'

Jeff: 'You. Are going to stay. Right there. I. Will get. To you.' {COACH shivers.} 'Sierra?'

Sierra: {timid} 'Yes?'

Jeff: 'You're going to date a producer.'

Sierra: 'But I don't want to --'

Jeff: 'I don't care.'

Sierra: '...okay.'

Coach: {scared out of what little wits he has} 'You don't dare do anything to me! It's not like a lie detector test would prove anything like lying: it only proves how worthy I am of being followed! I'll show you! The audience will support me over you!'

Jeff: 'Oh, really. Audience, what say you? Live or die?'

Audience: {in unison} 'Coach! Coach! Coach! Coach!'

Jeff: {disbelieving} '...what?'

{The audience, moving as one, raises their left arms. In each hand is a glass filled with a thin purple liquid.}

Coach: 'I'm also the world's greatest caterer.'

Audience: 'Prost!'

Coach: 'That's a toast, you know. Or it's your name. I can never remember which.'

Jeff: 'Like I've never had to bring someone down slowly after drugging them so I could have my way. Someone go back to my dressing room and grab the small red bag. If it's the mix I think he's using, we need the vial marked Sunday Night At The Movies: two CCs each. The electrified edge of the stage should hold off the charge until then.' {a member of the production staff scurries off even as COACH goes back to trembling} 'You got one lucky shot in, Benji, and I'm going to get all the rest... You know, I even bet your total lack of scars from all your life-or-death encounters isn't because you have a mutant regenerative ability. Well, we can fix the scarring problem...'

Coach: {weak, pitifully} 'Do you have to say this in front of my lead cultists, the gospel writer composing my worship book, and the women I gave the extra-strong stuff to when I spotted her on the street?'

Jeff: 'And I have to say it in high definition with stereo sound. By the way, if you're the world's greatest writer, why is someone else handling your gospel?'

Coach: '...I need at least four conflicting perspectives to make it a real holy book?'

Jeff: 'And yet I need only one knife to give you four intersecting holes. Go figure. Debbie, we'll get you some counter-agent...'

Debbie: 'No need. I followed him of my own free will.'

Jeff: 'You're a principal! What kind of example does that set for the children?'

Debbie: 'Why would I ever care about setting an example for children?'

Jeff: 'But --'

Debbie: 'Besides, it got me a check that was evenly divisible by pi.'

Jeff: {muttering} 'It will be after I get done with it... 'Dragon-Slayer'... Stephen, we're going to work on bumping you up a few levels and then try out that Familicide thing...' {louder} 'Go to commercial already. We need dosing time. Steal my formula, will he...'

{The staff obeys, and when we return, a very woozy audience is just starting to wonder exactly where COACH hid the contents of their wallets and purses.}

Jeff: 'All right. Before I get to my fun --'

{EVERYONE (except COACH) cheers. (COACH just trembles some more.)}

Jeff: 'Thank you, thank you -- we still have some formalities to wrap up. After all, deferred pleasure...' {vicious grin} 'First, the phone-in vote where the person with the biggest following gets a hundred thousand dollars. Because he hardly had enough for everybody, that's clearly not going to be Coach...' {pauses to let the contestant laughter die down} 'Top three are -- Sierra, Taj, and JT. And the winner is -- JT! Isn't that somewhere on the distant outskirts of nice, people? Normally I could say something about him matching Bob's total, but right now, I'm almost pleased that he just gets some money!'

JT: {suddenly alert} 'What do you mean, some money?'

Jeff: 'We'll talk about it later. Right now, we have to run through the non-jury losers. Joe, how's that knee?'

Joe: '...elevator go down the hooooole...'

Jeff: 'I suppose that makes sense to someone. Sydney, who the hell are you?'

Sydney: 'I'm a model and --'

Jeff: '-- and I'm bored. Spencer, are you sorry we cast you for this and not Micronesia?'

Spencer: 'Nah. I think my failure to so much as try and use any of my supposed fan knowledge can embarrass the real viewers in any season. And how much do you love my last name? Duhm? Duhm? Huh? Huh?'

Jeff: 'It's the only reason you were cast. Jerry, say it -- say it...'

Jerry: {rehearsed and robotic} 'This game was harder than anything I did in the military.'

Jeff: 'And that is how you make sure you get your check. Candace, you had enough taste to not sleep with Coach. How about me?'

Candace: 'I don't know... do you have money?'

Jeff: 'Some.'

Mary: {from audience} 'I still saw him first!'

Carolina: 'Are you people still talking? I missed most of it while listening to the endless babble of my own thoughts.'

Jeff: 'And that brings us, slightly out of order, to Sandy --'

{SANDY opens her mouth.}

Jeff: '-- and if she says anything, Coach goes second.'

{SANDY closes her mouth.}

Jeff: 'One more set of commercials, we'll reveal where we're going next season -- and then I personally have one last thing to do. One very final thing...'

{COACH makes a break for it. SIERRA and CANDACE storm down from the seats and tackle him, flip him over, and sit on his chest and limbs. Oddly, COACH seems powerless to shift their weight. And the commercials play despite his begging for them not to. Go figure.}

{When we return, Jeff has dropped into his preview pose. He also seems to be shivering slightly. It's probably nothing to worry about.}

Jeff: 'As you all know, we only go to locations where we can get our precious swimsuit shots. And there's one we've been putting off for a while now that we're finally going to use. Normally I'd like to thank Bob Barker for finally leaving the network and giving us access, but frankly, he has more Emmys than me, so who cares? He's gone, and that means we get Samoa!' {starts to sway back and forth as COACH begins to look hopeful} 'It's a warrior culture that we'll never manage to work into the challenges, because Coach is the only true warrior there is! It's majestic waterfalls for days, and Coach will win Rewards to visit them and bathe his magnificent body within!' {COACH starts to grin.} 'It's a chance to talk about Robert Louis Stevenson, whoever he is, because I don't care about anyone who isn't Coach! You know who won that season? I'll tell you right now: Coach won! Because I'm going to cast him for it and arrange the game for him to get the million. And then I'll give him my salary on top of that: I don't need money to live!'

Candace & Mary: 'HEY!'

Jeff: {oblivious, on the verge of outright singsonging his words} "And I'll put him in the next season, and the next, and he'll win again and again, because his is the glory forever and ever...'

Brendan: 'Isn't someone going to help him?'

Stephen: 'Someone do something!'

JT: 'I can reach him --'

Coach: 'No! No, you won't!' {he still can't move from under the models, but his grinning face is easily visible} 'Hey, Jeff -- how good does that relapse feel, huh?'

{JEFF stops swaying. Straightens out. Slowly, slowly turns. The light glints off his eyes.}

Jeff: 'What relapse?'

{COACH freaks, struggles, thrashes in his desperate attempt to escape. No actual progress results.}

Jeff: {near-whisper} 'Blackout to credits. But -- leave the sound on for a while.'

{The image goes away.}

{And there's nothing except little whimpers in the dark.}

It's not a summary until someone dies.

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  Table of Contents

  Subject     Author     Message Date     ID  
 RE: Official RTVW Survivor #18 Reun... newsomewayne 05-19-09 1
   RE: Official RTVW Survivor #18 Reun... Estee 05-19-09 3
 RE: Official RTVW Survivor #18 Reun... suzzee 05-19-09 2
 RE: Official RTVW Survivor #18 Reun... strid333 05-20-09 4

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newsomewayne 9065 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Playboy Centerfold"

05-19-09, 09:17 AM (EST)
Click to EMail newsomewayne Click to send private message to newsomewayne Click to view user profile Click to check IP address of the poster
1. "RE: Official RTVW Survivor #18 Reunion Summary: No Truth And Consequences (a total lack of adventure in rough paraphrase)."
I thought a summary was supposed to kind of spoof the original. What you wrote is exactly how I remember it being shown on TV.

Fear the reaper.
"The problem with socialism is that you eventually run out of other people's money." - Margaret Thatcher

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Estee 55194 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Playboy Centerfold"

05-19-09, 04:58 PM (EST)
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3. "RE: Official RTVW Survivor #18 Reunion Summary: No Truth And Consequences (a total lack of adventure in rough paraphrase)."
I've been sick.
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suzzee 4956 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Stuff Magazine Centerfold"

05-19-09, 09:46 AM (EST)
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2. "RE: Official RTVW Survivor #18 Reunion Summary: No Truth And Consequences (a total lack of adventure in rough paraphrase)."
You are a talented writer Estee. It's always a matter of what we see and what is really going on. You nailed it. Thanks for the entertaining read.

Agman camouflaged me for S17

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strid333 2928 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Howard Stern Show Guest"

05-20-09, 09:25 PM (EST)
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4. "RE: Official RTVW Survivor #18 Reunion Summary: No Truth And Consequences (a total lack of adventure in rough paraphrase)."
Very funny!

Three is the perfect number.

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