Last time on Survivor: brak, brak, merge. JT is the target, but Coach Delusional saved him. CD wanted to cut off the head of a turtle or a salamander or something like that. But his carefully orchestrated plans went awry when Joe’s leg fell off and he was removed from the show before he could sue for $100 million.
Who will be voted out tonight? Well the real question is whether or not CD will be able to kick off his nemesis, Perry the Platypus. Ok, I slipped that in as a Phineas and Ferb reference. And if you haven’t heard of the show, you need to get to youtube right now and watch an episode or two. I recommend you see http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iv8yfGDhAso
It’s way funnier than anything you’ll see on Survivor or read here in my summary. Oh wait. Don’t go until after you go through the motions of reading this though. I’ve written the summaries for two weeks in a row now, so humor me! Ok, ok. You can scan it and we will both pretend you actually read it all.
Ok, back to the show. The Forbidden tribe moans about losing Joe. Coach Delusional moans that his brilliant move has been sidetracked by Joe’s leg. Great priorities, there CD. I am sure I would want my daughter to be coached by a guy who is upset that a player left the game rather than risk losing his leg so that your move would fall through.
So CD schemes to get Just Toothless to agree to vote out Brendan the Bold. While we ponder which direction JT will go, siding with CD or BtB, you’ve got to stop to ask yourself how a guy who is generally fairly well educated, apparently emotionally balanced and undeniably good looking ever lasted this long on Survivor. BtB is no challenge hog like Fireman Tom was when he won. But he is generally very capable and obviously a threat to beat anyone he takes to the final Tribal Council. Under the Unwritten Rules of Survivor, good looking final TC threats generally are axed by now, and certainly never survive this long…unless they have the Hidden Immunity Idol. BtB? Check. As you would expect from a guy who almost certainly was the Big Man on Campus, the Class Sweetheart and Everybody’s All-American, Brendan has the HII. If only he plays it. A moron wouldn’t, but BtB is certainly no moron.
So to perk up the group, CD told them a story that was uber-secret. He told them about the time he was kayaking through North Korea and was captured by battle-hardened veterans from the North Korean special forces. After a 15 hour firefight that would have made Rambo jealous, CD had killed 10,000 of his attackers but was out of ammo and had only his trusty Swiss Army knife. So he was taken captive, beaten and forced to style Kim Jong-Il’s crazy hairdo for weeks on end. One day he tried to escape this torture when Jong-Il was watching a Tarantino flick, but he was captured and strapped to an experimental Korean nuclear missile and launched into the atmosphere. “Fortunately, I chewed through the ropes and used my handkerchief to parachute down to Hawaii just in time to catch some bitching waves.” Nobody is buying this story for a minute. Debra says in a confessional that nobody believes CD. “Nobody said anything, but we all wanted to say: ‘COME ON, Coach! Everyone knows that North Korea only launches missiles containing weather satellites and the Glorious Leader does his own hair. Geez!’”.
As if the delusions couldn’t get any thicker, CD says that National Geographic had wanted to follow him on his kayaking trip but he blew them off “I told them NO. This trip is about me, being on my own.” (ok, that is verbatim and I didn’t spice it up even a bit). But let’s stop and think about this for a second. Is there any scenario under which CD would turn down publicity that might pump his ego? ANY? Um, no. That would be zero.
Then we get the opening montage. Pretty scenery, yada yada, you’ve seen this a thousand times before. I can’t rip the commercials because I watch Survivor on the internet the day after it airs live. I am getting a Toyota online commercial for every break.
The next day, CD is doing some really strange looking martial arts moves in the river. The rest of Forbidden is laughing at him and throwing rocks. Ok, I can dream, can’t I? There were no rocks. Though when he strides proudly back into camp (think he’s ever taken a humble step in his life?) some of Forbidden calls him out on it. CD explains that it is a super-secret Tibetan type of martial arts that (I’m not making this up) “you wouldn’t find on a Google search. It’s passed down verbally and you have to go there…to the monastery to study it.” Geez, this guy tells whopper after whopper.
Sierra can’t stand it any more and tells him he looks hilarious doing it. CD goes ape and wants to kill her. Though he doesn’t, he is clearly cut to the bone. He tells perhaps the biggest lie yet: “I don’t give a rip what anybody is looking at or thinking about.” I almost fell out of my chair when he said that. Where are those vengeful gods when you need them? You know. The ones what throw lightning bolts at puffed up cretins who tell outrageous lies.
So the next confessional has CD telling us he was BORN to do this: command his officers, call the shots and run the power alliance in this game. Oh, the foreshadowing here. CD is clearly getting the “evil manipulator stuck in his own trap and blindsided by the others” edit on this episode. Now we just have to sit back and watch it all unfold.
CD goes on to say he will cut off a horse’s head and stuff it into Brendan’s sleeping bag. And just for spite, he wants to scoop up some horse dung to stuff into Sierra’s mattress. Good thing you don’t care what anyone thinks about you, CD.
The rest of the time until the reward challenge is taken up with JT spinning various alliances with Erinn. We know she is in trouble because she tells us how much leverage she has. If I am EVER on Survivor, I promise not to ever gush to the camera about how I am The One Controlling the Game. Kiss. Of. Death.
The challenge is mini-tribes of three players throwing balls at plates of the other groups. The reward is a white-water rafting trip with copious amounts of food and ample time to scheme away from prying eyes at camp.
BtB, Debra and Just Toothless. Both of the other teams target this group’s tiles. When JT asks why everyone is trying to knock them out, Erinn says it’s because they are the stacked tribe. BtB says “we’re throwing underhand trying to break tiles. None of us have ever done this before.” CD says “I have.” Apparently he used to play against Kim Jong-Il every afternoon, somewhere between torture sessions and comparing megalomanias.
Wouldn’t you know it? Team Target beats the other two groups and goes on the reward. But the most baffling part of the challenge is that they send Stephen to Exile Island. WHY?!?! Send coach. I was SCREAMING at my monitor!! SEND COACH so he can’t strategize while you’re gone. It will give the others a chance to talk about what a nutjob he is and how they want him out NOW!!! So SEND him!!! Instead they send Stephen, a potential vote against CD. WHY?!?! Maybe Brendan is a moron.
As Stephen is walking out to EI, CD says “Be the ball, Danny. Be the ball!”
Tyson the Freaky opines that BtB can’t do much damage on the trip, since Just Toothless and Little Debby are two of his strongest allies. It’s one of the few coherent confessionals Tyson has had in the whole season
Stephen gets pregnant and has a baby at Exile. Actually he makes a fire, but he said it felt like having a baby. I just want the epidural if CD keeps spewing his delusions onto my screen. Is that enough pregnancy/birth clichés for one episode?
On the trip, JT acts like a kid in a candy store. BtB enjoys being around the kid so much that he decides to take JT to the final TC with him even if JT wins it. We hear this in a confessional, so I don’t know why BtB would lie about it to us. I like this guy so much that I am sure he must be getting axed this week.
JT is either lying to BtB’s face when they plan to blindside CD or he is completely on board. He’s got to be telling the truth, though, right? No country boy as slow as he is could be a snake, right?
Back at camp, BtB tells Sierra that they will keep JT and crush CD at tribal council. Sierra agrees. Then Mrs. Eddie George agrees. She hasn’t gotten much confessional time, so her time here must be significant, right?
The challenge is one of those attach yourself to a rope and worm your way through an obstacle course types. Nobody is surprised when Tyson the Superfreak contorts his hardly-human body into impossible shapes and moves on to the finals. BtB is the next to qualify for the last leg. Again surprising nobody, Coach is a complete failure at a physical challenge. Evidently, he and Kim Jong-Il never did this one during their salad days together. JT gets the other spot.
In the finals, BtB somehow actually has a lead over Superfreak. But then he gets caught up in a weird position and Superfreak wins immunity again. I just realized what Tyson reminds me of. Back in the early years of the Xfiles, there was a guy who was as flexible as rubber who would infiltrate locked rooms and eat people’s livers. Tyson is that guy.
After the challenge CD has another Powergasm, thinking how he and Tyson will cut the head off of BtB’s dinosaur.
Back at camp, Superfreak is all giddy about voting out BtB so that he can tell Sierra to shut up for 3 days before voting her out. He realizes that it won’t win her vote, but thinks that everyone else will like it enough to vote for him. Does he believe any of his own trash talk?
JT and Stephen go out for some scheming in the river and try to decide whether to side with CD or BtB. JT confesses that he doesn’t believe that CD was ever captured by North Koreans, much less escaped. “Shoot, if that had been me, I would have gone and gotten a UN Security Council mandate and come back to North Korea to see what that little punk would have done then. Know what I mean? There is NO WAY he’d ignore the sanctions I’d drop on his @$$.” Sure, JT. Go and blow the image of rednecks as being needlessly violent. Sheesh! We’ve got a stereotype to maintain here!
JT and Stephen don’t decide who to vote out, but they definitely do agree that they are in control of the game. Ok, we’ve got a few minutes until the big vote. But instead of counting the people who think they are in control, let’s count the much SMALLER number of people who haven’t claimed control during this episode: Little Debbie and…Little Debbie. Everyone else has crowed about being in the driver’s seat. I wonder if Debbie will somehow kill them all. Poison cookies maybe?
As they head out for tribal council, CD AGAIN says he will cut the head off the lizard. Somewhere there is a frathouse where every fratboy is passed out in his own vomit because he had to drink half a beer each of the 53 times CD has said “cut the head off” something in this episode. Oh, the humanity of it all!
At TC, Jiffy probes Mrs. Eddie George for tidbits about campfire stories and she mentions how unbelievable CD’s North Korean Adventure Story is. So Jiffy calls him out on it. “Is this the movie version or the real story, you demented clown?!?!” Coach slyly grins and says that “he tried to tone the story down a little”. And we all puked a little inside our own mouths.
It gets worse though. Jiffy asks if CD minds that some people don’t believe his fairy tales. Coach then says he has scars on his body to prove that he’s been in about a million life or death situations. Jiffy won’t let this die. He says “A million life or death moments?!?!” so CD starts to tick them off: hurricane, shark attack, rabid dogs, jungle fever, crotch rot, bubonic plague, bar fight with Chuck Norris, flew too close to the sun and the wax on his wings melted…I fell asleep right when he was being water boarded by ##### Cheney, so I missed a few.
Everyone tries to say that JT is the target tonight because of his likability and his athleticism, but we all know it is either BtB or CD who is snuffed tonight.
Coach says he wants to go to Viking heaven where he can caress the big strong warriors. Ok, that is what Tyson wants.
I was distracted by that disturbing image, and what Superfreak would make of that one, when Jiffy is suddenly asking who has the Immunity Idol. What the heck?!?! I’ve seen 90% of the Survivor episodes ever filmed. I don’t remember a scene like this one. Geez.
But even more incredible is that BtB admits to having it. That is why he is Brendan the Bold. Who else would confess to that? Of course he will use it now. Won’t he?
They trudge off to the voting booth. Of course, Coach Delusional again references cutting off some sort of head. I would worry that CD might be a serial killer of some sort. But him confessing it on national TV would be the SUREST indicator that he hasn’t actually killed anyone.
Jiffy asks if anyone wants to play the immunity idol. Brendan should. But he doesn’t. Coach gets a vote. And another. Brendan looks sick when he gets the next three. Then Sierra gets three more, in case Brendan had played the idol. The final vote is Brendan. The most likable person in this game is suddenly gone.
But even more shocking is the fact that one of Coach’s delusions has finally come true. He did cut the head off the best looking guy in this game. You slipped that one past the goalie, Maestro. Somewhere in North Korea a little man with funny hair just stopped torturing one of his own people long enough to pump his fat little fist in the air to celebrate your victory. Savor it. It is likely to be one of the few you’ll ever have.
Next time on Survivor: Superfreak pulls the wings off of butterflies…er I mean torments Sierra.
Agman made this fancy sig for me