Guys, I am sorry this is so late. This week was a lot busier than I expected it to be.
Previously on Survivor: Scary weather montage, ugly spider shot, Coach Delusional and Brendan the Bold struggle to get the most face time. We remind you AGAIN of JT’s missing tooth (wonder if that will be important later in the game) and Joe’s boo boo on his knee. Mrs. Eddie George foolishly shares her Immunity Idol with JT and Stephen and they flirt with the idea of rewarding her with a knife in the back. But JowlApow voted out the model and went into the merge episode down 6-4.
As we follow the loser tribe back to their digs, we get another shot of a scary spider. Man, what IS it about this place? Mrs. Eddie George gives the obligatory “Sorry she had to go but it was her or me” speech. Joe talks about being nervous and concerned that he is now “the odd man out”. As if he hasn’t been odd every other day of his life, off screen. The tribe drifts off to sleep brakking about how their luck will change tomorrow.
Then we get the opening credits. Ever noticed how dirty some of that river water is? What’s up with that? Couldn’t they have cleaned it up? I mean, we put them on American TV and all. Don’t you think that is the LEAST they could do? Next we get some commercials and then one of the most unintentionally funny moments in Survivor history.
At the Timberlake camp, Coach Delusional is standing in the river doing his prayer yoga thing. And the music in the background makes it seem like he is trying to frighten the other gods into giving up. Not the players in the game, mind you. It looks like he is trying to scare Odin into wetting his godly pants. The effect is less frightening than he intended. MUCH less frightening.
Then CD gives us a monologue about how he has kept his emotions bottled up but now, on day 20, he has it figured out. He says that when he was meditating, he realized “boom, this is about me now.” Um…hasn’t the whole sweep of Western Civilization unfolded to bring us to you, Coach Delusional? So CD decides to be nice to his tribe. He massages them. Literally, gives back and neck rubs. It’s a shame he doesn’t lay hands on JT’s tooth or Joe’s knee, as we could use some healing touches right now. Erinn, though a mere mortal, somehow figures out that he might not be genuinely reforming. She likes “new coach” and is willing to dunk him every morning if he will be nice.
Then we get a confessional of Brendan the Bold telling us he doesn’t really like CD’s obsession with his locks. But the revelation of the episode so far is that CD once told his tribe that he “started that whole samurai thing”. Really!?!? BtB asks. “They’ve been doing that for thousands of years in Japan and Johnny Depp’s been doing it for 20 years here. You didn’t start anything!” Give Burnett credit. Putting BtB on the same tribe as CD is ratings gold. BtB is a quote machine and he is easy on the eyes. CD is a walking time bomb. Gold. Gold I tell ya!
Back at JowlApow, Joe is grossing everyone out with his oozing, festering knee. Mrs. Eddie George and JT take turns gagging after being forced to look at it or touch it. Both muse about how weak this leaves their tribe going into the merge.
Tree mail: brakk brakk, spin, feast, win, brakk brakk
Mrs. Eddie George tells us in confessional that she gets excited whenever she hears “anything that starts with an F”. I can see why football would have that effect on her, since it made her husband insanely rich. But Fungus? Far-flung? She must be ecstatic that I am being Flippant, then.
JustToothless tells us that he might not be ready for a merge. He says he needs to redeem himself, and then they walk off to the merge.
We’ve seen more than a dozen merges. This one is like the others. They walk into the feast area. They rhapsodize about the abundant food. They get all tingly about the drinks. They stuff themselves while trying to get acquainted. While it might seem that they are backslapping, by now we know that they are just trying to find the ribs to better sink the knives directly into the hearts later in the game.
JustToothless mumbles through the mergemail, telling the tribe that yes, they are merged (why was anyone surprised!?!?) and the new tribe will pick a new name and live in the old Timberlake tribe site. Then Stephen tells us that JowlApow didn’t want the merge, but was hungry for the feast. We get the obligatory booze toasting scenes and the faked camaraderie shots.
CD then creeps out most of the world when he says in a confessional “we’re meeting new people. It’s kind of like getting a new girlfriend. There’s all kinds of things to explore.” I am guessing he was going carnal with that line. But the more accurate assessment of his statement would be a girl trying to plumb the depths of his vanity and narcissism. Plenty to explore there. Cut from that confessional to scenes of Mrs. Eddie George and Sierra laughing uproariously and I know that some editor on MB’s payroll has a sense of humor.
CD gives us yet ANOTHER confessional where he tells us how happy he is to be competing with all these other alpha males for individual immunity. Good luck with that, CD. You’ve been pretty much useless so far.
The new tribe tries to pick a name and Stephen suggests Dingus. Even CD is sane enough to realize how risky that would be, and shoots down the suggestion. CD then demands that they use “Forza” which he says means strength in Portuguese. Being mere mortals, and not soccer-coaching symphony conductors, they others meekly agree to his righteous and just command.
Sierra is apparently loosened up by the wine she is swilling because she tries to pry some strategy from JowlApow by asking why they voted The Model off. Not being THAT moronic, the Jowlers decide not to answer her question.
As Forza trudges to the Timberlake camp, most of tribe is still giddy from the booze and food, but JustToothless gives us a confessional where he says he’s stunned that their “little doghouse shelter” is still standing.
CD and JustToothless go fishing and CD tells us that he has a man crush on JustToothless. So the country boy lays on his southern charm and tells CD everything he wants to hear. It’s nice that he has CD hooked like a bigmouth bass. And it’s even nicer when JT tells CD that Brendan the Bold has an Immunity Idol. JustToothless tells us in his own confessional that he is doing it to “make sure everybody hates each other”. Well played, country boy. Well played.
CD gets Confessional #837, one in which he is OUTRAGED that Brendan the Bold might have lied to him. “I always thought Brendan was a little squirrely,” says fiercely into the camera. “but if you flat out lied to me, you better be prepared to go to war!”
I want to crack on the scenery, but honestly, the night stars and the moon are so beautiful that I can’t work up the angst to complain.
CD is not inspired, though. He is angry. So he seeks out Superfreak Tyson and they plan to axe Brendan the Bold. How dare BtB have an II?!?! CD is practically enraptured as he talks about “cutting the head off the dragon” with a blind-side.
Superfreak Tyson slithers over to Stephen and offers an alliance: he, CD, JT, Stephen and Debbie will be the final five. And their reign of terror will begin by axing BtB. Stephen says in confessional that he now realizes how fractured the old Timberlake tribe is and he looks forward to playing on that weakness. Then we get commercials.
The next morning, JT and Superfreak Tyson are fishing together. JT tells us in confessional that he had talked a lot of smack to Tyson during the challenges, and he didn’t expect to get along with him. But he says it is a little different now.
Superfreak gets his own confessional for a change and tells us that he wants to get rid of BtB because “he is a sneaky bastard”. How many of those pot-calling-the-kettle-black moments can one reality show provide!?!? He brags about being able to lie to our faces while we stare into his “sweet blue eyes”. And the frightening part is that if CD wasn’t on this season, Superfreak would seem like the delusional one. Oy!
Superfreak is pretty hamfisted in yanking Debbie out of camp to talk strategy under the guise of gathering firewood. Mrs. Eddie George isn’t buying it. BtB is hoping his Exile Alliance is still intact and under cover. Debbie agrees with Superfreak that the Final Five he proposed would be strong. Then BtB and Tyson have a very uncomfortable moment where they pretend not to loathe each other while talking strategy.
Tyson flaunts even more delusions by bragging how he has outstrategized BtB who he calls “this bigwig businessman who gets businesses rolling, makes tons of money. He’s like putty in my hand! I can mold this game however I want right now.” If delusions were candy and nuts we’d all need a dentist and a diet plan.
Joe and Erinn have a weird, flirting, idol-searching scene where they go looking for the other II at the old JowlApow camp. They obviously don’t find the II and hopefully didn’t find love.
The immunity challenge is the players climbing up a pole and hold onto it until they fall off of it. Each of the old JowlApow guys is having trouble. Stephen surprisingly has trouble holding a pole. Of course the main reason to do this challenge is to give Jiffy some neat “hold the pole” sound bites. And he comes through as expected: “Joe now starting to slip down his pole”. Sure enough Joe is out. Jiffy notices that Joe’s knee is oozing a gallon of pus per minute. Being a sensitive guy, Jiffy comments on it. They fall off one by one until only Superfreak and Debbie are left. And being only part human, Superfreak is able to mold his freakish body he becomes one with the pole. There is an uncomfortable moment when Erinn tries to urge Superfreak to be careful and he snaps back “don’t boss me woman”. She responds “I didn’t want you to break your pretty little face”. And he says “I know. It is my money maker.” Which makes all of us cringe. I mean, on one level, we all know that he’s probably joking. But with Superfreak, even that is uncomfortable, a bit like a joke about cancer.
Jiffy congratulates the scary freak and sends everyone back to camp. Everyone except Oozing Joe. He tells OJ that the medical staff needs to take a look at the knee. I don’t know why he’s doing this now instead of giving OJ antibiotics several days ago. The Dr. says OJ’s infection might go into the bone or into his blood stream. We cut away not knowing whether Joe will stay or go.
Back at camp, Superfreak lets Debbie try on his II necklace. She giggles with delight. Then we get a confessional in which Superfreak lets it all hang out (no, not in the naked sense this time): “So I kick ##### like I always do and skinny ladies want my phone number.” I guess that is possible. Some people like weird stuff, so I guess he might actually get some booty calls in real life.
It starts to rain, and the tribe is concerned about Joe. But not knowing if he is going or staying, they have to plan a vote just in case.
Superfreak says he enjoys lying to people and that he especially hates BtB and Sierra. He talks about kissing BtB and steaming up BtB’s neck and the small of his back. Ug. I just want to wash my hands because even typing this makes me feel unclean.
CD and Superfreak work behind the scenes to whack BtB, scurrying around camp like cockroaches.
CD asks the camera to call him The Orchestrator or the DragonSlayer because he feels BRILLIANT. Delusions. OF. Grandeur!
The Jiffy smashed CD and Superfreak in the mouth with the announcement that Joe had to drop out due to his leg oozing. CD is PISSED. How DARE Joe’s leg not respond to his PLAN?!?!
Joe tells us he doesn’t want to die and wants to walk home. So he takes the copter back to civilization.
Tune in tonight to find out if Coach Delusional will finally flip out and try to kill everyone. It would, after all, give him a chance to raise them all from the dead.
Agman made this fancy sig for me