Official Survivor Summary Episode 7 : ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Alternate Title: I E-hat Estee
Previously on Survivor – There was a recrap where they spent an hour telling us what was previously on Survivor. Déjà vu.
Naked guy streaks through summary: Woohoo! When you say Carolina, say North Carolina, when you say Carolina, say Heels!
Bebo: Mr. B, the game was three days ago. Could you please put some clothes on and return to the world?
Being a summary writer is nowhere near as glamorous as it sounds. For every blindside, there are 40-50 moments where watching paint dry would be a better use of time. And I’m famous on these forums for the number of times I’ve had to summarize a non-elimination leg. It’s even to the point where Estee joked that she was assigning me a non-elimination leg when she gave me this episode. There is nothing lamer than summarizing a non-elimination leg. Heh heh, she’s so funny.
Anyway, Coach was winning the Mr. Congeniality award on the Bizarro planet, while the Jalapeno tribe lamented losing yet again. Joe felt like he dodged a bullet.
Quiz time! Joe’s comment about dodging a bullet is…
a) Yet another classic example of Survivor degrading into a series of clichés.
b) Foreshadowing that Joe is, one way or another, toast.
c) A & B.
Cue traditional Survivor music as the Survivor: Tacochips credits roll.
Tacochips attempts to be dramatic by playing the intro to Carmina Burana as we see Coach meditates in the water. Being married to an opera singer means that I am occasionally exposed to culture, so yes, I can Name That Tune. Coach has been holding things in, he’s been holding back with the Tomatillos, but as he meditated, he decided it was going to be all about Coach. As opposed to the previous part of the game, which was…all about Coach. He’s giving neck rubs to folks, which makes Erinn like New Coach. All of those men in the audience interested in trying to get Erinn in bed once she gets back home are taking notes on how easy it is to convince her that you’re really a good guy despite the restraining orders, probation violations, etc. in their past. Brendan talks about Coach saying he started a samarai thing with his hair. Brendan plays Captain Obvious by pointing out that the samarais and Johnny Depp have been doing it for a lot longer. I’ll now take over the Captain Obvious title by pointing out that at this point in the game, nobody’s hair is worth talking about, except for level of grossness.
It’s Only a Flesh Wound
The Jalapenos are looking at one hot body. It’s Joe’s leg, which is slowly but surely evaporating into a seeping bowl of pus.
Quiz time! The focus on Joe’s leg evaporating into a seeping bowl of pus is…
a) Yet another classic example of Survivor beating the viewer over the head in their attempts at subtle editing.
b) Foreshadowing that Joe is, one way or another, toast.
c) A & B.
Eenie meenie miney mo,
Catch a merge feast by its toe,
Or maybe not, we’ll let you know,
Eenie meenie miney mo
The tribes are trying to figure out whether it’s a merge, a reward challenge, or a chance to amputate Joe’s leg.
The Tacochips end up at a Pottery Barn rustic cabana (no chairs, the economy affects even Survivor), and they guess that the merged tribe color is green when they see the green buffs at each person’s place. The ex-Jalapenos are so excited to find out there’s food. Debbie goes for the wine right away. My kinda gal. Coach proposes a toast: I hate all of you, and I hope you die out here. OK, that’s not what he really says, but it’s just about as sincere. He laughs that he wishes that they could have picked off the Jalapenos one by one. Then he talks about how much fun it will be to have individual challenges with all of those alpha males. I wouldn’t call you an alpha, Coach – maybe a delta. My definition would involve Coach and his head appearing in front of me on a platter.
They start talking about tribe names. Stephen suggests Dingus? Finally, a true fan of the show who recognizes the contestants for their true level of ability. Coach overcame his shyness to suggest Forza, which he told them was Portuguese for strength. That’s NOT how you spell strength in Portuguese. But since we’re all used to Coach playing the role of the expert when he has little to no clue about what he’s talking about, we’re used to it by now. I’m thinking they should have stuck with Dingus, but I am wearing the Captain Obvious hat right now.
Sierra is as bored with the chitter chatter, let’s-be-nice-like-it’s-a-first-date-and-we- actually-think-we-have-a-chance-of-getting-some-tonight-chatter (seriously, I found the square butts Burger King ad more intellectually stimulating than this crap). So she lets the Jalapenos know how surprising the past two boots were. The other mergies look at her like she farted at a funeral and give more non-answers than George W during his entire presidency.
I’d like to briefly interrupt this summary to announce that I’ve tied Buggy for 2nd in Pathwords in my ladder. We’re still behind Knockers, but you both better start sleeping with one eye open, since I’m catching up on you.
The Foreplays end up back at the old Tomatillo camp and take a tour of their new hovel. JT and Coach go fishing. Coach has some major man-love for JT and gets him into some gameplay talk as a way to cozying up to his good ol’ boy. Coach tells him he will not lie once during this game (of course not, he’ll lie at least twice). JT babbles to Coach about Brendan’s idol and that Taj may have one too, since back home he’s not used to dealing with people as annoying as Coach. Maybe he did just fall off the turnip truck, as we say ‘round these parts. Back at camp, Coach tells Tyson that he knows now that Brendan has the idol and has been lying to them, so he wants to have a foursome with JT and Stephen. Bow bow, chicka chicka, bow bow
Mr. B switched channels while I wasn’t watching, and I’m watching fishing on ESPN2. Oh, wait, this is a gay porn flick. Oh, wait, it’s morning at the Foreplay camp. Same thing. Tyson said Brendan can look into his sweet blue eyes and he’ll tell him sweet nothings. Bow bow, chicka chicka, bow bow. Could someone please remind the Survivor editors that CBS cancelled Swingtown?
Taj is concerned because the Secret Alliance is so secret that she doesn’t even know what’s going on. Stephen thinks it’s a good thing that the Secret Alliance is laying low for now.
Quiz time! The Secret Alliance is laying low because…
a) They are intelligent, strategic players….sorry, I almost got that out with a straight face.
b) They are, in fact, laying low.
c) They are irrelevant this episode, since Joe is toast.
Tyson decided to include Debbie with the Foreplay Foursome. She likes Stephen and JT too, so she’s OK with it. Does this mean she likes to watch? Erinn and Joe go looking for the immunity idol and realize that Brendan’s got it. Erinn said they’ll go after Brenda and Sierra.
Quiz time! Erinn and Joe will first target…
c) Joe is toast, so who cares?
Immunity Is Up For Grabs
Wait a minute, is actually going to happen this episode??? Jeff finds out the new tribe is called Foreplay and explains that the immunity challenge is Hold Your Pole. Some of the men get too excited about that, until they realize it means they have to hold on to a wooden pole for as long as possible. A bunch of poles in the sand – yes, the Survivor budget is feeling the effects of the economy. Stephen goes out first, then Joe. As Joe sits on Loser Bench, Jeff plays Captain Obvious and points out how crappy Joe’s leg looks. One by one, everyone except Deb and Tyson join the boys on Loser Bench. Finally, Tyson manages to keep his pretty face from doing a pole scrape and wins the necklace. Tyson is the first to wear the immunity necklace/Halloween Indian costume (Party City clearance aisle, $1.99) back to camp. Jeff makes Joe stay after school so that medical can be called in to look at his knee.
Quiz time! When Joe meets with medical…
a) They will show a bunch of concern, then send him back to Foreplay with a Spongebob band-aid and a kiss on the forehead.
b) Joe will cry like a girl and beg to go home to his mommy.
c) HAVE YOU BEEN WATCHING THIS EPISODE???? HE’S TOAST, PEOPLE!
Jeff and Joe are meeting with Dr. Lucy. She’s not at all happy with how his knee looks. Joe wants to stay in, but he says that they’d have to tell him he could lose the leg before he’d leave.
Quiz time! Dr. Lucy is going to say to Joe…
a) Want to get together for a drink after the show…I almost got through that with a straight face.
b) Here’s a Spongebob band-aid. Can I kiss your forehead before you head back to camp?
c) You could lose your leg, you moron. Now will you go away?
I look up at the clock and realize we don’t have much time for the traditional attempt-at- emotional medical evacuation and a tribal council, and I feel a pit in my stomach. I’d get banned if I printed the exact conversation I wanted to have with Estee at this point.
Back at camp, Tyson is his usual modest self and tells the ladies who want his phone number to just ask. Note to self: do not ask. Check. Meanwhile, the less self-absorbed members of the tribe are worrying why Joe hasn’t come back.
Quiz time! Joe hasn’t come back because…
a) He has been eaten by bears.
b) He hates them all and doesn’t want to give them the satisfaction of voting him off.
c) He hates them all and doesn’t want to spend one more moment with them. I understand the feeling.
d) Say it with me, people…TOAST.
As they huddle under the Pottery Barn umbrella to avoid the rain, they start talking about who to vote for – Joe or JT. Tyson has no qualms about lying to Erinn and Sierra, since he has no idea while Erinn’s out there, “except to give hope to stupid people”. No Tyson, that’s why you are out there. Then he starts talking about putting his lips on Brendan’s neck. Bow bow, chicka chicka, bow bow…
Stephen and JT are talking, and Tyson loudly talks about beans and then does the poorest stage whisper to let them know it’s time to talk strategery now. Brendan has an idol in his pocket and he’s not afraid to use it. Good, because Stephen is talking to Taj about turning on Brendan now. I send up a silent prayer that someone has clarified that they are indeed talking about voting when they refers to idols in pockets and are not just happy to see him.
JT and Stephen start talking about what happens if Brendan plays the idol, and they think that Brendan would vote for JT, so Stephen suggests splitting the vote so that Sierra would go home instead of JT.
Quiz time…will the vote splitting work?
a) Yes, because it is a good strategy and will protect their Foreplayer.
b) No, because these folks are about as trustworthy as a used car salesman in a flood plain during a recession.
Coach then shows he has minimal value by providing the Quote Of The Episode when he says “I have no patience sitting around holding a rod in my hand without anything happening.” Then Coach is asking what he should be called, since he feels brilliant – the orchestrator, or the dragon slayer. I think he should be called someone with too much time on his hands, even for his rod.
Jeff walks in with an update, and even decides to stand out in the rain and get soaked rather than stand too close to them and possibly catch their stupidity. Joe cannot continue – the risk of him staying in the game was too serious. And these people have been so damn boring that something had to be done to keep people from changing the channel. He’s being evacuated by helicopter and may be having some surgery. No tribal council. Taj asks Jeff to tell Joe they love him and miss him.
Tyson is disappointed that Brendan lives to see another day. Replace Brendan’s name with Tyson’s in that last sentence, and you have my opinion on the whole thing. At least Coach is mildly interesting in his self-absorption. JT is psyched, because he thinks someone on Tomatillo is going home next TC. Coach is disappointed that Buffy the Dragon Slayer doesn’t get to taste blood.
Joe says he was told that staying in the game could have cost him his leg…or his life. The game is cool, but not that cool. The game isn’t even that cool.
Next time on Survivor…Brendan wages war on Coach. Exile Alliance awakes. Coach fights back – we’ll see who is the Chosen One.
I already know the answer to that – every single summary writer who actually gets to write about someone being voted out of the game. Joe didn’t lose his leg over the knee injury – talk about a non-elimination leg. The only difference between this one and my previous non-elimination summary efforts? This episode was even more boring.