And we're back! BTS presents the interview we've all been waiting for: The Amazon Pygmy Tribe (horn blast here)
Boys & Girls we're here at the very beginnings of the Amazon River. In fact, it's just a small stream at this point and the only rapids are the ones the crew's riding to the Port-o-Pot.
We got here by a plane, a train and an Army helicopter (pulled some strings, dontcha know and don't look it up in google, just don't).
We tracked down an indigenous tribe of natives here and although there was some communication issues we managed to bring you the interview of a lifetime (well unless you are Coach High Muckity Muck Benjamin "Dragon
breath Slayer Chosen Juan Maestro (jeeze anything else?) Wad(e). hang on, outta breath here
ahem: Chief, we understand you had some trouble here sometime in the past?
Chief: Yes, yes we did. See the cable went out and we had some trouble with the Lost finale last year.
Me: Um, no, not that. I was referring to the guy that was dropped in by Army Helicopter, in a kayak, with a support team of 20, by himself.
Chief: Ohhhh. That guy. We thought he was the cable repair guy. He said something about inventing the internet and we just assumed......
Me: So you're saying you didn't sneak up on him, tie him up (ala Gulliver's Travels), and beat him senseless?
Chief: Well, some of that is correct let me clarify. (golly those primitives speak well). We were all sitting around one night and this guy comes staggering into camp with my pet baby anaconda Debbie wrapped around his neck. We calmed her down and he was claiming she dropped onto him while he was building some Mayan temple. Never mind, that's another story. Anyway he sat down and told us that for saving him he'd make us dinner. I don't know what he was cooking but we're using it as the cornerstone for the new Starbucks we're getting. So after he cooked he told us stories about dragons and some Ancient Chinese Secret called "Don't Google It".
He see's our bows & arrows and tells us he is a world champion pygmy bow and arrow marksman so we ask for a demo. Seeing that it was night time he thought a flaming arrow would be easier to see. See where I'm going with this? He shoots for the target (we let him use the children's range) he misses and hits MY hut. Well, that burned and that took out the Holiday Inn and McDonalds.
So yeah, we were really ticked off. I was so looking forward to a Egg McMuffin in the morning. No we didn't tie him up, he tripped over his own gear and rolled down a hill. He got sort of banged up on the way down and probably would have drowned in Amazon Creek but my little boy saved him by rolling him face up.
We untied him and by unanimous tribe vote we decided we'd be better off getting him out of here before he destroyed the multiplex too.
We had the kids take him far enough upstream so he could paddle on his way......so he say's we beat him? Crikey, what a liar.
Me: Well, thanks Chief and thank you faithful viewers. Deadline again and we're outta here.
Grrrr It's best to play dead when sock puppets attack