LAST EDITED ON 11-21-08 AT 02:08 PM (EST)
The Art of Killing a Troll!
There is an art to Troll killing. Or at least there should be.
Stir, stir, stir, (giggle, giggle).
Double Bubble, Toil and Trouble.
First, get a pinch of Sugar. Then, well, pinch Sugar again. It is essential that Sugar reach a giggling climax during the final Troll Killing Ceremony (TC), for a pinch of Sugar, aided by the guile of a wily Wizard, is essential when one intends to kill a Troll.
Offer the spirits a cookie, and have it ceremonially refused. Follow this with a second offering, this time to be accepted and stomped into the ground. It is essential that this be done with vehement cursing, anger, and vindictiveness.
Pour in three beers and a jar of peanuts. The Troll will chew the peanuts with an open maw, and dregs will fall from the corners of the diseased opening.
Then let the old Wizard conjure up a self-immolation amulet and cast a spell of self-deception on the Troll. Fortunately, Trolls are very susceptible to self-deception.
Add another pinch of Sugar.
Then, take the Wizards purse and send him to Exile. He may only return when the phantom of the Immunity Necklace crooks its boney finger.
Begin the final ceremony. Arrange the Troll hunters in two banks near the immolation pot. And pinch Sugar again.
One by one, in the natural order, the hunters shall add symbols of banishment to parched Parchment scraps while shouting out vile expletives.
Pinch sugar again. It is essential for Sugar to have the Mystic Giggling Shits and Fits throughout the course of the ceremony.
Probe the Troll with the Probst stick. Poke him once, poke him once again, and keep poking him until vile goo spews forth from its mouth.
Fuel the fires of discontent with the wizard’s amulet. Take it from the Troll and offer it to the Gods of the flame. Thus shall we shatter the Troll's confidence, and maketh him to understand, at last, the full meaning of ‘Kiss My Ass' defeat, and learn the abysmal truth of his ignominious defeat. It is too late for him to repent, his fate is sealed, his torch is snuffed.
Although the Troll will have a savage and frightful countenance, be not afraid, for the stake is in his heart, and he is left with only a jurist's power.
Throw in another pinch of Sugar.
Watch as the Demon Troll is sucked into the swirling eddy of Loser Lodge Jurydom, joining the previously Damned legion of two.
Finally, conclude the Troll banishing with giggling fits of little girl laughter, for the Troll is dead, the Troll is dead, long live the Troll killers. Nyah Nyah Nyah Nyah!
Then, Follow the, Follow the, Follow the, Follow the, Follow the yellow dirt road………
Next week we’re going to off the wizard, the wonderful wizard of NoBag…..