Previously on Survivor:
Kenny pushed the buttons on his dual shock controller and zapped Ace, Marcus and Charlie. His best move was capturing Suzie’s brain and holding it captive in his Stronghold of Doom.

Meanwhile, Bill Nye the Science Guy was sent to Exile Island and went all MacGyver, making a Hidden Immunity Idol so lifelike that we decided to yank Sugar’s II from her and make Bill Nye the Science Guy’s the official one (ok, that is what Mark Burnett SHOULD have done). Bill Nye the Science Guy says that having the fake II is kind of like robbing a bank. “You don’t necessarily need a gun. But if they think you have a gun they might leave you alone.” Ummmm….no. Here in Texas, we generally shoot you if we think you have a gun. Though I hope it works better for you, Bill.

Eight are left. Who will be voted out tonight?

The tribe comes back from tribal council to Nobag. Have we properly mocked that name yet? Nobag?!?! Come on. At least go through the motions of making up some pseudo African name that means “we are only here to take your loot and stare at your naked, dancing women”. The fact that you morons could only come up with NOBAG just screams “look, we’re tired of going through the motions of caring about the area we are supposed to be immersed in. Isn’t there a shark around here somewhere that we can jump already?!?!”

At the fire, Corrosive Corinne does her thing: act all surly that someone voted out her friends and allies. You see, she was happy voting out other peoples’ allies and friends. So happy, in fact, that her Gloat Mode was powerful enough to run the cameras, lights and cooking stoves for the 300,000 or so Survivor cast and crew who have infested the previously-pristine wilderness of Gabon.

Randy has stopped feeling In Charge. The fact that the Kenny Alliance has taken out the three biggest players instead of him means that they are pretty smart. “They took out Charlie. He had a lot of friends. I don’t.” Wow. The biggest understatement of the season and I would’ve missed it if I had blinked. And to think, I thought that last week’s revelation of Randy saying “I think one of those tribal dancers was coming on to me. No woman has done that in about 20 years,” was the biggest understatement of the season. I hope Randy stays around for a while. I can’t wait to see if he can keep topping himself this way.

After the boring montage, Bill Nye and Sugar saunter off into the woods while Randy watches like a guy who knows the powers that be are going to axe him quickly. Sugar tells us that Bill Nye, Randy and Corrosive are the only ones who don’t know she has the idol. She can’t figure out that Bill Nye is pumping her for information. This should surprise no one, as Sugar didn’t realize Ace was “snaking” her, or that Kenny was pushing her buttons. If Jeff snuffs her tonight, my guess is she won’t realize it’s happened until she’s been at Loser Lodge for a week.

Bill Nye whips out his incredibly realistic prosthetic…er fake idol and shows it to Sugar. She is so blown away that she begins to tear up (ok, she didn’t, but this is the one of the few times she has been on camera that she hasn’t cried for joy, or sorrow, or frustration…geez, shouldn’t she be dehydrated yet?). Sugar ALMOST figures out Bill’s motive saying “maybe he has some kind of strategy in showing me the idol. Maybe HE is an evil genius”. But then laughs, flips her hair and generally sets feminism back another 200 years or so.

On the way to get the tree mail, Corrosive and Randy are moaning about how stupid the Kenny Alliance is, totally missing the irony that to be outwitted by morons makes you even stupider than said morons. They decide to try to flip Matty because Randy “can’t fake liking these people.” That isn’t surprising. The surprising part is that nobody has yet murdered Randy. How long do you think he would have lasted if Estee had been on this season with him? My guess is that he wouldn’t have survived until the 1st Tribal Council.

Tree mail says “brak, brak, brak, must go, power, cost”

Even these morons can guess that this is The Food Auction “challenge”. Am I the only one who wonders if Jiffy is ever tempted to switch plates? You know, when he has one of those covers on the plate, and the players are bidding blind. Then someone he hates wins the bid…couldn’t you see him pretending to drop the plate which is holding the lasagna and chocolate and picking up the Hippo poop platter instead? Then he would grin big and say “Johnnie Fairplay has just spent all his money on a steaming pile of hippo dung. You want ketchup with that, hot shot?” Ok, I guess I am the only one.

You know the rules: $500 each, bidding in $20 incriments, no sharing $ or food.

Beer is first. Randy outbids Sugar, paying $180 for three beers and some peanuts. Sugar turns and tells Suzzie that she was only bidding to drive it up for Randy.

The second item is one of those covered platters. Kenny bids first and Randy bids him up to $340. I was certain it was going to be a Wii or an Xbox 360, because the cover was the perfect size. But instead it is The Elder Scrolls. The Scrolls allow Kenny to push the L1 button at the same time he holds the R2 button, powering up his bank and allowing him to send one tribe member to Exile Island. He does and Bill Nye the Science Guy is sent back to EI. Bill takes it like a man and walks off without even a backwards glance.

Sugar outbids the suddenly wealthy Kenny and Randy for the 3rd item, another covered dish. Jeff does the “I want to date her in the future” switch, giving Sugar a bowl of peanut butter and chocolate instead of the Rhino poop he had been saving for Randy. (Isn’t it obvious by now that the reason JP broke up with Julie is that he wants Sugar? He is always glowing when he talks about her, isn’t he?)

The 4th item is a bath, complete with a enough bath stuff to clean out an entire Bed, Bath and Beyond location. It also includes a clean set of the winner’s clothes. As is his strategy, Randy drives up the bid right away. When Suzzie bids $340, Randy creeps EVERYONE out by bidding $100 to bathe her. Now THERE is a mental image I can’t scrub from my brain. Sugar taunted Kenny by saying “you should have gone for that, Kenny. I would have cuddled with you if you had your clothes on” (direct quote). Kenny counters with “Would you cuddle with a rich man?” causing everyone to laugh. Suzzie then bathes right in front of the survivors while the auction is going on (I kind of expected the bath to happen later, but what the hey, MB is running this show).

The next item is revealed to be a cheeseburger with fries. Everyone bids frantically, including Randy. Well not Suzzie, who scrubs her toes while looking at the others. Matty gets it for $400. Apparently, Kenny is saving his money for a PS3 when he gets home, but you’d think he would have one (or several) of those by now.

Suzzie decides to get out of the bath. Sugar demands that she get back in. “What the hell are you doing, woman? That is the first bath you’ve had in like 20 days!”

Kenny and Randy bid for another covered item, and Kenny drops out at $280, guessing that it must be something bad. Is this the Hippo dung switch? Um, no. It’s spaghetti, wine and garlic bread. Guess Kenny needed a better cheat code. Randy gloats.

Corrosive buys a sealed bottle that will help with the next challenge. We don’t know why, yet. But we’ve seen powerups like this before.

Randy spends $20 to buy “something for the tribe”. WTF? Why do damage control NOW? But then he blows that little bit of good will by saying “I can have them all if I want” before Jeff scolds him like a child “they are for THE TRIBE, Randy!” Randy offers one to Sugar and she won’t take one. So he gives half of hers to Corrosive. Matty says he wants Sugar’s cookie, but Randy says it’s his now. The two hate each other openly. Randy offers her the last cookie, and she reluctantly takes it before handing it to Matty. Randy whines to Jeff about it, but Jeff gives him that “sucks to be you” look he usually saves for Johnny Fairplay and moves on.

The auction ends there and cuts to a confessional where Randy says Sugar can kiss his posterior. Thanks, Mr. Obvious we weren’t clear that you were bitter before now. Does anyone else wonder what kind of trainwreck has happened in Randy’s life to make him this angry at the world? We all have bad times, but Randy is one of those people who doesn’t see the glass as half empty. He sees it as the world’s feeble attempt to drown him and he ain’t having none of that.

On the way back to camp, Matty decides to twist the knife in Mr. Angry’s back. He thanks Sugar for “the most righteous gift I’ve ever been given.” Randy comes un-freaking-glued, saying the cookie wasn’t Sugar’s to give, it came from him. Randy strips his shirt and goes down to the water “I am left the auction broke, full, half drunk and pissed off. So I am going to burn this house down in the next day or so.”

Sugar goes to confessional and vents about Randy being immature.

Randy comes back to the fire and Matty tries to smooth it over. But Randy acts like Matty has insulted his mom or something, saying that he was “treated like a dog” at the challenge. Matty tries one more time “You’ve got to drop the attitude, dude.” Even Corrosive can’t see the use in trying to talk to him. She won’t even look him in the eye as she explained that she needs his help to survive longer. Randy spews more venom and basically says he should give up because Kenny’s Alliance now controls the game.

And that blows my mind. Up until now, I’ve assumed that Randy was being Mr. Evil to try to get to the final two. You know the gambit: some savvy player takes the most hated person on the game into the final two so that he/she wins easily compared to Mr. Evil. But clearly Randy is burning that bridge, too. Pyromaniacs think Randy is out of control.

Bill Nye returns to Exile Island and takes comfort instead of the clue. No wait. He takes the clue AGAIN. What the heck? Come on, Billy Bob. You are giving geniuses a bad name. The he partially restores my faith by going on his own personal safari.

We see him tromping through some wild areas and hear the obligatory Praise Africa, Praise the Survivor Experience remarks we’ve heard several gazillion times now.

While he’s gone Matty tries to convince the Kenny Alliance that Bill Nye should be the next voted off. Sugar is visibly angry at having to stay in camp with Randy any longer than tonight. Matty says it should be Bill Nye, Randy and then Corrosive to go in that order. As he is putting the final touches on his hard sell routine, Randy walks up to the hut where the Kenny Alliance is playing Super Mario Brothers on the Wii that Bill Nye has fashioned out of some coconut husks and the left over hippo dung from the challenge. Randy looks into the hut, clearly wanting to kill them all in a frenzy of blood. But he turns away from them without a word. That might have been the most uncomfortable moment of silent hatred I’ve ever witnessed on Survivor.

Randy tells Corrosive that he will act even nastier for the rest of the day (and she politely doesn’t point out that there is NO WAY for anyone to be nastier than Randy has already been). Then, they can vote for Suzzie because Bill Nye will give Randy “the immunity idol”. Wow. Nasty and delusional.

I am sure that MB and JP would LOVE to let this happen, as Randy is ratings GOLD. The only question is if the ensuing lawsuit would be worth the trouble.

Randy accuses Matty of “whoring himself out” to the others. He later tells Suzzie that she should “shut the #$&# up”. Then he says in confession al that “I like where I am sitting right now. The more they freak out, the better.” Wow. And I thought that the secret to Survivor was being smarter, or more under-the-radar than your rivals. Don’t know how I missed that one, Mr. Evil Angry Obvious Guy.

The Immunity Challenge is to race across some balance beams carrying puzzle pieces. The top two finishers go on. Apparently, you have to put your puzzle pieces up without tripping wires so that you can knock the pieces over like dominoes. Before the challenge, I guess that they production staff has designed this challenge specifically so that Randy will lose, setting up the Tribal Council From Hell (for the ratings gold).

Corrosive gets to sit out the 1st round and move directly to the finals of the challenge, thanks to her purchase.

Matty and Kenny take the early lead and hold on. Sure enough, Randy is so far behind that JP doesn’t even heckle him.

I try mightily to care about how this challenge turns out. But honestly, knowing that Randy is going tonight means I just want to fast forward right to the drama. Yada, yada, Corrosive and Matty’s blocks fall short and Kenny wins.

Corrosive braks about being “so close” and needing to win. Now she’ll have to depend on Bill Nye’s idol.

Wow, has anyone else noticed that Bill Nye’s veins are showing under his skin like deranged worms? I like Bill and all. But I would be more comfortable if he would put his shirt back on.

Sugar isn’t as freaked out by that look as I am, and she pals up with Bill. She tells him to give Randy the fake II because he would likely fall for it. I assume he will. Heck, Corrosive does, and she considers herself to be smaht.

Bill Nye manages to keep a straight face while giving Randy the “idle”. Randy calls it “the most selfless thing” he’s ever seen. Sugar is so excited she is hyperventilating while congratulating Billy Nye. I am wondering how ballistic Randy might go. Heck, he was practically homicidal over a cookie. Will he go all Jim Jones and kill the 400,000 members of the production crew when he is ridiculed in public?

At TC, Jeff immediately goes for the drama, asking Sugar about The Cookie. Randy again defends himself. Then Suzie says she feels sorry for him, as he is probably hurting.

This offends Randy deeply. He blasts Suzie again. Crystal says that the whole incident called for a slap. DO IT, CRYSTAL!!! You’re bigger and more athletic than him. PLEASE do it!!! But she doesn’t. Sigh.

They brak a little more and then vote.

Corrosive votes for Suzie because “payback is a Corinne” or something like that.

Sugar votes for Randy because he is…forget it, I can’t type all the nasty things she says about Randy. Just suffice it to say that she is tired of him. Bitter much, Sugar?

True to form, Randy votes for Suzie, because it is strictly personal.

Then, in a Survivor first, Crystal doesn’t whisper her vote confessional. She shouts it loud enough for the entire tribe to hear. Sugar laughs until she cries. Yawn.

Jeff calls for the hidden immunity idol. None of the Kenny Alliance can stop laughing as Randy walks up to Jeff. Corrosive is laughing because she knows she’s won. The tension is thick enough to cut with a tort.

I pause the episode, wondering if Jeff will give in to the temptation to treat the fake II as the real one. You KNOW he wants to. It must be more tempting than the poop platter switcharoo, but he resisted that one, too. I can’t bear it any more, so I watch the end…

Jeff fesses up that this isn’t the real idol and tosses it into the tribal fire.

Corrosive is crushed. Bill Nye still has his poker face. Randy looks sick, but doesn’t flip out immediately. Sugar is laughing so hard that loses bladder control and pees on the fire, putting it out. Just kidding, we’ll need that fire in a minute.

Randy tries to catch Bill Nye’s eye, but the Science Guy looks away.

Jeff does that predictable thing where he reveals the non-losers votes first. So the vote is three for Suzzie and two for Randy for a while. Then he reveals the final two votes and Randy is gone.

Jeff says “Randy, the tribe has scraped you off the bottom of its shoe” as he snuffs his torch (ok, he should have. Admit it, you would have). I am the most surprised person in the universe when Randy doesn’t go postal and kill everyone. He just meekly walks away.

Jeff can’t decide whether to be happy that Randy is gone, or lament the lost ratings, so he braks about trust being important. The final shot as the tribe walks off is the fake idol burning in the fire.

Next time on Survivor, Bill Nye tells Corrosive a story about Marcus keeping the “idol in a bottle” and hiding it at camp. Man, I can’t wait to see how this plays out.

Randy’s final confessional is vintage Mr. Hate. He hopes that his enemies in the tribe get bit by a green mamba.

Agman made this fancy sig for me