LAST EDITED ON 04-11-08 AT 04:23 PM (EST)

Survivor: Half-A.S.S.ed Episode 9 Official Summary: "Fo Shizzle"

Previously on Survivor: Dopes vs. DAWs, we visit a simpler time, when Ozzy, Amanda, James, and Parvati spent all day dry-humping each other; Parvati proves, once again, that she has a thing for big, beefy guys who can eat a lot and have no concept of how to use an immunity idol. Fast-forward to Episode 4, where Ozzy finds the hidden immunity idol and replaces it with something so tacky even Lisi would know it's just a stick. About this time, my DVR went on the fritz, so I'm not sure what Jason said about it, but I'm sure it was something to the effect of, "I found the idol! I'm the greatest!" Meanwhile, the viewing public sits back and laughs at his colossal stupidity.

Drop your buffs. Parvati has an alliance with Natalie and Alexis, and she somehow telepathically includes Amanda in this. Ami tries to get Erik out, as would be the logical choice, and Erik tries to get Ami out, as anyone who's saving their own skin would do. Ami tears up at Tribal, and Ozzy goes into a tirade about how Ami's acting like a little sissy girl and said that Ozzy had Aaaaaay Deeeeee Deeeeee...sorry, having an out-of-season experience there...and with that, Ami gets voted off, as Ozzy tells her, "This vote is for you, not against you...the six is strong," thus proving that he has lost all ability to count...what do you mean, that was in my season? Whatever. Anywho, we cut to the opening sequence.

We're off to the Malarky camp, where Ozzy and Amanda say that Ami was voted out for being dishonest and that she "dug her own grave." Jeez, whose shoes did Ami take a dump in on Day 21? And whoever it was, I'm sure they were more comfortable and smelled better after the dump, so ease up and be glad she's not on the jury. They continued by saying that "in a perfect world," the merge would be on Day 22. Hey, why not throw in a few rewards like, say, a plasma TV with satellite service, an open bar, unlimited filet mignon, and the right to kick Carrot Top in the jewels every hour on the hour to relieve frustration? I'd settle for just the last one myself.

The opening credits roll, which means it's time for Zoidberg to hit fast forward. Hey, I might be writing the summary, but I've already seen the credits once this season. Even in my own works of fiction, I solve the credits issue with this newfangled tool called "copy and paste."

Commercials roll, and tonight's WTF moment is a trailer for something called "The Lord's Boot Camp." Sheesh. First Natalie on Big Brother, and now this? Why not change CBS' name to "The Jesus Network"? Jameka says "God pre-determined the outcome" and makes F4; Kate and Pat say, "We don't believe God cares how we do in the Race" and are eliminated post-haste. At least only two Survivors have ever praised God or Jesus after winning. I guess the rest were contractually obligated to praise Comrade Burnett.

Now off to the Eyeroll camp, as we drop into the first tribe ever to be named for one of its members' favorite facial expressions. The overwhelming sentiment is that Erik probably went home, so Jason and Eliza decide to channel the nearby spirit of Parvati and make a telepathic alliance with Ami. Of course, Jason also thinks that his stick is an immunity idol and that the Micronesian rat is a good source of food, so I don't know about him.

Cut to Malarky. Treemail instructs them to grab everything and get the hell out and go to this designated location, where they'll be given further instructions. Naturally, everyone assumes this is the merge, and Erik declares that the merge helps him, since there are more players. We also know that Erik is aware that 10 is greater than 4. Wow, with such mathematical genius, why is he scooping ice cream in Hell, Michigan? Get that man a Ph. D. in quantum physics and put him in front of a class of nerds already!

Erik is also convinced he's a monkey and that Ozzy's the zookeeper. I guess Ozzy does kind of fit the whole Zookeeper image...

(Apologies for the lack of an image. I had a picture of the Zookeeper from Futurama, but the link is now broken. So picture the Zookeeper from the episode "Less Than Hero.")

All right. Back to Eyeroll. They got the same treemail, and they put everythign they own on a raft. OK, are they fleeing Micronesia or Cuba? Because if it's Cuba, I need to have them smuggle me out some cigars and Bacardi. Also, apparently Natalie is back here after her shift last night in the Big Brother house and has proven that she is, in fact, on this show as well, and has proven it in a way that befits Natalie - by rubbing sand on her face. I guess she figures that all that tanning in the BB house doesn't make her look bronzed enough, so she might as well speed up the process. Hey, whatever works.

The merge happens, and Parvati declares, "I'm in such a hot pickle right now." Apparently having alliances with six other people who are in competition with each other is not, after all, sound Survivor strategy. Even less sound? Her recent bout of mouth-diarrhea concerning this issue.

Cut to Eliza, who's not happy that Ami was voted off. She feels "alone" and "heartbroken" and says it's the "worst merge" for her. Hey, there's one in every crowd. I hereby dub thee Marcellas. Here's your eye mask and bathrobe. You're not allowed to take them off until after the last Tribal Council.

The tribe comes together quickly and decides they're going to live at Malarky, thus proving themselves to be better at making decisions than Congress and the Beauty and the Geek house put together. And that sentence gives me disturbing thoughts of Joe the Cowboy standing at the head of Congress giving some long-winded, meandering speech about God-knows-what. Be gone, damned Joe.

An amusing image to replace it is that of James channeling his inner Ozzy Osbourne and enjoying a bite of marinated bat. Hey, they're basically rats with wings; Jason says it's OK to eat rats, so why the hell not? James describes the dish as "like a juicy rabbit," making me wonder if there's any animal James hasn't eaten. Someone keep that shipment of Soylent Green away from him. Please.

Erik suggests the tribe name "Dabu," which is Micronesian for "I just pulled this tribe name out of my ass." He admits in confessional that he might as well have named the tribe "Mo Mo" or "Fo Shizzle."

So Ozzy addresses the new Fo Shizzle tribe and asks them to put the game on hold for the day and enjoy the merge. Since Jiffy didn't tell them otherwise, the tribe agrees, and they sit happily munching on bats and thinking that Erik is some sot of expert in Polynesian languages. Of course, the American definition of "Polynesian language major" is knowing any Polynesian word besides "Aloha."

Ozzy seems to have a new girlfriend, by the way - Alexis, who, like Natalie, is actually on the show. Unlike Natalie, however, she's not covering her face with sand and instead is using Ozzy's chest for this purpose. Amanda acts like a jealous girlfriend and is spiteful of...Alexis, of course. No one would dare stop Ozzy from trying to construct his little harem. Hey, if the fan fits, wear her.

So while Amanda fumes that the polygamist compound in Texas was simply relocated to Micronesia, commercials begin to roll. And if you think I'm watching and reviewing those, you're crazier than me, and I'm a lobster who's already expressed my fanaticism for the show by writing two fictional seasons. Ozzy won the second. Go on. Take five minutes and look at the reunion over in Story Competitions. I'll be waiting. So if Ozzy wins this season, I called it; if he doesn't, my winner is better than Burnett's. Advantage: Zoidberg.

Back to Fo Shizzle. By the way, can anyone help me clean up the remnants of Estee's exploded head after the summary? First, they butcher my concept for a season, and now they steal Estee's color scheme, except instead of making the orange and purple God-awful, they made the green God-awful. Seriously. Lime green? Who wears lime green? This is the color that has single-handedly sunk an entire hockey franchise. And Burnett dares to unleash it on the viewers? Thank Dog that the finale is only a few weeks away at this rate. Even Haraiki orange and Fati silver were gone by the merge.

Anywho, the Malarky beach is the "land of milk and honey" compared to the dump that was the Eyeroll beach. Unless you're Cirie, who's lived at Malarky since Day 1 and has appeared in purple since her first day on Exile Island, who compares the new people to "people coming into your house and picking up the remote and turning the channel." Burnett flashes a disclaimer at the bottom of the screen: "Don't get any ideas, viewers."

Ozzy - the real Ozzy, not bat-eating James - has decided that Jason is now his biggest fan...take that, Erik...and that Jason has discovered the false idol. Hey, it's OK to be arrogant if you're 100% right. Ozzy describes Jason's use of the fake idol as "poetry in the making." We'll see how he feels about that later.

Jason takes a page out of Ozzy's book and hides the false idol, failing to discover the real idol in the credenza beside Ozzy's king-size bed...what do you mean, I'm in the wrong season again?

Eliza tries to secure Parvati's loyalty; unfortunately, Parvati's channeling Rudy and replies, simply, "I dunno." When asked what she means, she replies, once again, "I dunno." Apparently the concept of Eliza being loyal to the Fans is "hilarious," or as I prefer to describe it, "so funny I forgot to laugh." Of course, I'm furiously taking notes on this episode, thus proving that I've gone completely off the deep end, so I really have no idea what's going on.

Parvati must still be thinking about Eliza's loyalty plea as she explains her new alliance to Amanda. Amanda, of course, doesn't want to go to the end with a "motivational speaker"...and after saying that, I'm obligated to present Amanda's future F2/F3 opponent...

Parvati continues on with her "triple pickle" of being 35 years old, thrice divorced, and living in a VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER while Amanda pretended to giggle while she was secretly "livid." And of course, her confessional looked like it was filmed under a bridge. I guess she, too, must live in a van down by the river. And sadly, it still beats the hell out of the Eyeroll camp.

Let's see now. Parvati has an alliance with James, Ozzy, and Amanda. She also has an alliance with Natalie, Alexis, and Amanda. She threw out a possible alliance with Jason, Eliza, and Erik. Thus, I deduce that it was Cirie's shoes that Ami took a dump in before her ouster, and Parvati doesn't want her in an alliance just because she can't stand the smell. In which case, someone needs to tell her James hasn't bathed in three weeks.

Also, you can go to CBS.com and get a good look at Ponderosa, which is what they're calling Sequesterville now. See what it's like to be in the Survivor jury house. The first ballot they get to cast is whether they want to live with Marcellas or live in a van down by the river. That's going to be one crowded van by Day 39.

Back to the show, because I'm sure as hell not watching the commercials. Off to the "outskirts of any alliance," a.k.a. Jason and Eliza. Award this man yet another diploma, a linguistics degree from Judd Sergeant University. But he has a secret weapon - his stick. This stick has a profound effect on Eliza, who says, "I made an alliance with the right person who was sent to Exile one too many times." Well, I guess once was one too many, since genius boy Jason found the fake idol one his first trip.

The plan? Target Ozzy. Get Ozzy out. Step one of this plan? Keep immunity away from Ozzy. Step two? Vote twice for Ozzy. Step three? Play the stick. Game, set, match, goodbye Ozzy.

Off to immunity we will go, where we learn everything that we know, 'cuz the challenges teach us what producers don't have time to saaaaaaaaaay...

First order of business - the tribe name. Erik chose it because it's the Micronesian word for "I just pulled this tribe name out of my ass." Cue Jiffy barely able to control his laughter at the Survivors' colossal ignorance. Your punishment for stupidity? We take away your idol. We replace it with the immunity walrus, which is fantastic but doesn't shut up about wanting a "bukkit" back. This walrus comes adorned with tiki heads and sea shells, and overall, I think I saw something exactly like it at a cheesy souvenir shop at Fort Myers. Lemme guess - one of the etchings is "I SURVIVED HURRICANE _______." Write in any old hurricane name there. Preferably Howie.

Here's how the challenge works - float underneath a grate for as long as possible. Last person left to give up wins the immunity walrus. First one out is lucky - they don't get abandoned on Exile Island with Janu. Burnett decided that, with fuel prices as high as they are these days, another voyage by the Quit Boat might just break the bank, so they weren't taking any chances.

So the challenge begins. The Survivors try futilely to be funny. I can't understand a word they're saying.

Elapsed time: 35 minutes. Jiffy's trying to induce some measure of insanity by telling people they can't hear, which is either true and doesn't work or false and appears to work. At least on Amanda, it does. She blames being too relaxed. Sure, whatever.

Elapsed time: 45 minutes. Jiffy must have broken out the pepperoni pizza and beer, because Parvati drops out, and so do Alexis and Cirie.

Elapsed time: 50 minutes. People are shoving their noses through the grates and closing their eyes. Natalie's out, then Eliza, then Erik. Remaining are James, Ozzy, and Jason, who look like they're trying to retrieve their lost keys out of a sewer or something. Good luck, guys.

After an entire hour, James craps out. The description of this spectacle? "Painful to watch." Honey, I've watched every episode of Big Brother this season. I root for the Miami Dolphins. I survived the fvcking Atomic Wings. Add that together and spend an hour with my wife; THEN come back and tell me if this was "painful to watch."

Long story short, Ozzy craps out, and Jason wins immunity. Step one is complete, and it's time for more commercials I'm not going to watch.

In today's homoerotic speech of the day, the chance to "dominate" Ozzy was, in Jason't words, "delightful." So Jason stays another few days on the back of his challenge win and absolutely no social game. Step two appears in place - Eliza and James are voting Ozzy. But there's a turd in their punch bowl - Amanda's trying to convince Cirie to vote for Ozzy's new concubine Alexis. Fortunately for Jason/Eliza (sorry; I can't blend their names no matter how hard I try,) Cirie isn't biting. She considers Amanda's antagonism of Alexis "jealousy" and will vote for anyone "as long as it's not me." Thank you, Fiery Sandra.

The bad news for Eliza and Jason? Eliza figures out pretty quickly that the supposed idol that Jason has really isn't an idol. I'll refrain from comparing Jason's stick to his...umm, stick, since Estee already got all the good gags, but what's an idol without potency? Jason tells her to play it anyway. Does he say that to all the bug-eyed extra-terrestrial girls he shows his stick to? We'll see if another potential target goes for it. Try this one here:

Eliza does manage to convince Jason that his stick is just a stick with no potency despite Jason's insistence that it's long, hard, has a head on it, and was carved with painstaking precision. Eliza takes Jason's stick anyway, though she's pretty sure it's going to be a very painful experience for everyone involved.

Next order of business - one of you dopes and/or DAWs needs to go away. Alexis refers to three kinds of skills - social, physical, and mental. She is described as a "triple threat," while Eliza "played a strong game." Jiffy picks up on the word "played." Apparently, this is James eviction week in the hamster cage all over again, and Eliza didn't even get to put her hair in a pink mohawk.

Eliza says she's not well-liked, and she proves it by bickering with Amanda. I didn't have the patience to rewind and see what they were saying, so the hell with it.

Eliza tries to save herself by pointing out that people should keep someone like her around because she's not well-liked and will be a perfect F2/F3 opponent, referring to how some people have lost because they went to the end against the best. Pay no attention to the quick cut to Ozzy.

Jason reveals that no one has talked to him about an alliance, a vote, or even the weather, thus confirming that he is, in fact, screwed. He prevents this "being screwed" state by keeping immunity.

Time to vote. Eliza votes Ozzy: "I hope something miraculous happens with the stick and you're voted out now." Again, she needs to buy a dictionary. She described "dreadful" instead of "miraculous." "Miraculous" would be Julie Chen growing a human brain.

Amanda votes Eliza, saying that she "picked the wrong girl to mess with," and thus proving that Ozzy is all-powerful and can force her to misspell the name "Alexis" in the voting booth from a hundred feet away.

Jason votes Ozzy, saying, "I can't wait to see the look on your face if it is you." Well, keep waiting, because, with your dynamite social game, you might actually manage to convince...ah, forget it. I can't think of anything he could convince anyone of. He could tell me water is wet and I'd spent ten minutes with my hand under the faucet to prove it.

Jiffy tallies the votes, and some stuff probably happens.

He calls for the immunity idol, and we wait and wait and wait, knowing full well that Eliza is going to play it. And look at that. It's still in mint condition, having been left in its original wrapper. Ozzy gets a pained look on his face as Jiffy takes it out of the wrapper and begins to explain the rules for idols.

At this point in time, he channels himself from the merge episode in China and declares that the idol is, in fact, not valid. Ozzy momentarily turns purple from laughing so hard; then, he confesses to having the idol. Hey, it worked for Yul.

Jiffy throws the fake in the fire, and Ozzy protests, "That took hours to make!" And yet, even a brainiac like Eliza figured out it wasn't real. Nice job, short stack. Ever consider a career in carpentry? Of course, to live up to your reputation, you would have to walk on water and not just swim in it. Have fun with that.

Now it's time for the votes.

Eliza
Ozzy
Ozzy
Eliza
Eliza
Eliza
"Aliza," thus proving that some of Ozzy's misspelling spell must have been left over and eaten James' brain

And the first member of the jury...Eliza.

Eliza, the tribe has spoken. Here's your ceremonial white bathrobe and eye mask, and please fill out your check-in form on the way out. Be sure to mark if you want the house with Marcellas or the van down by the river.

Now we'll turn to the most entertaining cast member for a second - the fake idol, which is being burned.

Time for commercials. Yada, yada, no one watches these anymore.

Next time, the reward winners go to the island of Yap, where giant stone wheels are used as currency. I am not making this up. Nor am I making up the fact that, for smaller transactions, beer is used as currency.

Cirie decides it's time to oust Ozzy in a blindside. Hey, it worked on James.

And Ozzy declares that the game is Outwit, Outplay...and needs James to tell him the "Outlast" part.

Stay tuned for an all-new something-or-other coming up next.

Eliza isn't bitter, for once, but she thinks it's crazy that Jason thought the stick was a real idol. Hey, she helped executed the three-step plan, and here she is on the jury while the stick is in the fire.

After this, Zoidberg watches a recorded episode of Family Guy and heads off to fill in Mrs. Zoidberg on what happened in the episode. My summary then? "The tribes merged. Eliza got voted off. She played a fake idol." After that, Mrs. Zoidberg fell right back asleep, while all the readers of this summary are probably asking why I waited until now to sum up the episode in twelve words.