LAST EDITED ON 12-03-07 AT 11:04 AM (EST)

Survivor China: Episode #10

From the Temple to the Grave

Previously on Survivor: There was an hour long recrap filled with scenes that were left on the cutting room floor because they had no entertainment or intrinsic value What. So. Ever. Basically, the only reason they recrapped at all was because they needed something to put us to sleep in case eating enough food to feed Ethiopia on Thanksgiving wasn’t enough.

Pre-Recrap Previously on Survivor: Our castaways had quite a romp playing with drums and the newest “Things Thinner than Courtney” game. And they ate for reward challenge again. For a far more in-depth and entertaining summary, please read Snidget’s episode #9 "Someone get that girl a sandwich" summary.

The Quickie Surprise Reward Challenge

When last we saw Hide a Funk, they were sitting at TC very pleased with themselves that Frosti had finally melted away from the game. Todd was pleased that he was the master of the game, Amanda was pleased that she was the mistress of the master of the game, Erik was pleased that he seemed to be invisible, PG was pleased that her plan to usurp power from the mistress and the master was keeping her busy, Courtney was pleased with the pretty colors that continually bob and weave behind her eyes, and Denise – well, um … well perhaps she will be pleased that I’ve finally remembered that she’s actually still in this game.

Unfortunately, most of the pleasure was short lived, because the second Frosti was out of earshot, our great Banana Republic Spokesperson host revealed that nobody was going anywhere. He had a few “loose ends” he wanted to tidy up. OMG said viewers – is it another vote? A 48 hour long fire-making contest? The return of Jeff’s Giant Log? Could it be that a replacement has been called in to combat the malaise of a burned out Jeffy Probst?

Oh rats, it’s just another challenge where thinking is involved. Oh Joy. The reward is a rare chance of a lifetime trip by private jet to an ancient Shaolin Temple built 1,500 years ago where they will be fed a nice vegetarian feast, spend the night, and get to meet David Carradine the masters of Kung Fu. Maybe they’ll have a challenge trying to grab a pebble from a senior monk’s hand.

No, that’s not quite right. This is not so much a thinking challenge, it’s more a “do you know Chinese Culture?” quiz. Jeeeze, why not name this challenge “We gave Courtney her day and now it’s PG’s turn” and call it a friggin’ day?! Blow out the challenge candle. Happy Birthday, PG.

Anyway, Jeff asks the tribe a series of questions on Chinese Culture. First person to get 5 questions correct before dawn the following day wins.

Question #1: True or False: China invented the Abacus. Todd, James, PG, and Denise all say it’s true. Amanda and Erik choose false. Courtney just stares blankly at Jeff. She’s good at that. It’s that or an eyeroll or a wink with her, isn’t it? Or a twitch.

Score is Todd, James, PG, Denise 1. Amanda, Erik, Courtney 0.

Question #2: Choose an animal that is NOT part of the Chinese zodiac calendar. Rat, Rabbit, Cat, Rooster. Everyone manages to channel Elmo for the correct answer.

Todd, James, PG, Denise 2. Amanda, Erik, Courtney 1.

Question #3: True or False. 99% of the Giant Panda’s diet is bamboo. Everyone chooses true except Denise, grand dame of school cuisine, who is the only one who says false. Giant Panda’s everywhere plan to hit her repeatedly over the head with a bamboo stick before their next meal.

Todd, James, PG 3, Denise 2. Amanda, Erik, Courtney 2. Oh. The. Tension.

Question #4: The Capital of China is either Hong Kong, Beijing, Shanghai, or Macao. Everyone except Amanda chooses Beijing, although Courtney only choose B because it was the tile on top of her stack.

Todd, James, PG 4. Denise, Erik, Courtney 3. Amanda 2.

Question #5: If one is handed a red envelope, does it mean you are receiving a love letter, cold hard cash, a slow painful backstagecamera ticket of death for watching the next season of Survivor, or your draft notice? The answer is cash.

Naturally, PG wins the challenge. The fact that it was fixed can hardly be called an ancient Chinese secret. Anyway, she gets to choose two people to go with her. She covers her face because the choices are so daunting. Right. Since Todd and Amanda are non persons to her, good food would be wasted on Courtney, and James eats anything that isn’t nailed down, she decides to pick Erik who “has been starving with me since the beginning,” and Denise who the producers insisted needed some airtime to throw us seasoned viewers off the scent of who would really be going home at the end of the episode.

The tribe is sent packing and told that the Jeffy Boat will be there to get them “bright and early” the next day. Of course, after the slow motion sunrise the sun is out in all it’s mist-busting glory in the footage, so bright and early must be 11 am in MB time. The tribe groggily gets to their feet to wish the trio bon voyage.

♪♫ We’re Going to the Temple and We’re Gonna Get Fed ♪♫

Before they leave, Denise gives a thought provoking confessional: “I feel such love! Of course, sometimes when you leave you don’t know what happens when you are gone.”

After the threesome leave on the boat, the Fab Four start going on about how much they are going to eat while the 3 out-of-the-loopers are going to be stuck with real Chinese food. James brightens up at the idea of eating, as he never gets enough food. He admits, “We always eat a lot of food when folks are gone.” Who was it that got on the bad side of his tribe in Africa early on when he commandeered a can of beans and blamed it on the sick old lady?

As the gang sits down to eat with Uncle Foreshadow, James just can’t keep himself from focusing on food and his favorite new word: “frolic.” “The four of us right now are in the proverbial Garden of Eden. The Lord said don’t bite the apple. If Eve would have listened, they would still be frolicking naked in Heaven. I just want us to frolic naked as long as we can, so don’t be tempted by PG and Erik. Don’t bite the apple!”

This rather odd biblical tale was followed by the obligatory “It’s a game” confessional from Amanda who says the time has come for for her to make her move, make a big change, and it’s got James’ name written all over it.

Meanwhile, through the mist we see the three challenge winners board the plane and enjoy “the lap of luxury” with champagne and pistachio nuts. PG is giddy about this; she’s “never been on a charter jet before.” But she is more interested in getting Denise and Erik on board with an ambush of Todd. The two hedge and PG doesn’t get them on board with her version of The Plan. I’d’ve thought we might have indigenous Chinese pilots, but no. And no looking out the window at the pretty scenery below, either. No aerial shot of the Temple. State secrets, you know.

The three finally reach the Temple, where they are given native costumes to wear. While they are walking with their guides, Denise tells them that she’s studied Karate for 8 years. She helps with the Lisi math between between 32 and 40.

She’s excited. In confessional she says “Of all the rewards I wanted the most, this is the one.”

The Temple holds a nice demonstration of their Kung Fu skills. They do a dance that would have made the Judges from last week's TAR proud, beat themselves up with sticks, some guy does a weird butt-bouncing jumprope exercise, and finally pull out their most lethal weapon … cute kids in blue and pink tunics, who help the three “burn off the cookies” and learn the moves. They even give Denise a chance to show her moves. They are very courteous when she shows her skill at Karate dance in a Kung Fu Temple, despite the "huh wha?" looks from some of the children. "Who knew?" muses Erik.

They are treated to a nice meal, and are shown to their sleeping quarters. Now, given how Leslie reacted at the original Temple in episode one, all the statuary of false idols deities in the sleeping chamber would have caused her head to explode … but PG likes it and since this is her reward, she smilingly goes to sleep on her pillow knowing that her neck is on the block when she returns to camp.

The Huddled Masses

Meanwhile, back at Camp, the Fab Four are experiencing hardships and meltdowns. And the cold Kentucky torrential rain. Courtney has had it with the bamboo floor, and Todd has had it with the rain, the muck, and sand in his shorts (now threadbare after a month in this hellhole). Hold that thought, he may need it later. You see, while Dave the master architect was futzing about making the best. firepit. ever., he forgot about making the most. waterproof. roof. The four have taken refuge in a muddy cave and are waiting for the rain to stop. Unfortunately, the other 3 have come back from their reward and are mighty vexed that no one except Amanda comes out to greet them. (Did I mention before that she's decided to make her move in playing the game?)

When PG tries to get in the cave to tell about the reward, James’ ears perk up when she lies and mentions they were fed cookies. “Chocolate?” “No, pecan.” A very jealous and whiney Courtney complains that this is HER cave and PG isn’t welcome in it. Denise runs to Todd to brief him about the trip. He gets upset that there was talk by the other tribe’s remainders about voting him off, and proclaims PG a “B!tch” complete with arm circle wave and finger-snap for she who he now hates. Ahhh, what love. And he’s surprised by this revelation from Denise?

After the skies clear, Erik talks up James in the hopes that he will join in The Plan to oust Todd. James explains that he is in the original 5 and comfortable. He’s better at math, maybe, than Lisi, realizing that 5 is greater than 2. He’d be a fool not to stick with his 4 partners. Remember that thought. Going back to his biblical food cookbook, he explains in confessional that there is no way he is going to be tempted to “eat the apple” of temptation when he is a shoe-in to the finals. Uncle Foreshadow smiles broadly.

Meanwhile, Amber asks Courtney if she “wants to take a walk.” We all know what that’s code for. As she painstakingly maps out her version of The Plan to take out James, Courtney continues to stare blankly into space. And mumbles “OK” in calculated passive agreement. Amber tells us what a great plan SHE has. Of course, this is really Todd’s brilliant plan from 3 episodes ago, but Courtney is too catatonic to notice. Amber also tells us that she’s not interested in biting James’ apple, she wants “the whole friggin’ pie.”

Cut My Heart Out, Will You?

Since Uncle Foreshadow needs a well-deserved break, they filter into the shooting range competition field and Jeffy starts explaining the Immunity Challenge. The tribe finds a wall with 3 overlapping silhouetted martial arts figures ranging from grey to black with numbers 1 to 3 on them. The 3-pt black figure has a softball sized red heart worth 5 points. On a separate table are 7 sets of 3 stars.

Jeffy explains that each tribe member gets 3 chances to play Chinese Star-Darts. They get the marked number of points if they hit any part of a silhouette. The 3 highest scorers go on to a final round. As they line up to take their shots the cameramen and host all step backwards and sideways to avoid being hit by any errant throws.

PG is up first. Her first shot hits the ground about a yard in front of her. It’s a good thing she kept her feet well back. Her second shot hits way high barely missing going over the board, and the third goes bouncing off wildly. 0 points.

Todd goes next. He’s practicing various personal grooming jobs. He’s first a barber as he hits right behind the head of 3-pt black guy. For the second he tries a pedicure, just missing again. The third star performs a circumcision for 3 points. Cameramen wince, Todd gets 3 points.

Erik throws southpaw and hits a 3, a 1, and a 2. 6 points.

Courtney throws and hits a 3. Todd is surprised. Courtney is amazed. With new confidence, she throws a 2, and a 1. 6 points

James hits his first for 3, bounces his second, and then guts the #3 silhouette on his third throw with some serious angry force behind it. 6 points.

Amanda floats her tosses with a soft touch and hits 3, 0, 3. 6 points.

Denise misses, hits a 2. She needs a five-pointer to stay in contention. Nope; hits the heart, but bounces off. 2 points.

Brief timeout while Jeff sets up for the finals. He moves the tossing mat back 10 feet, and rearranges the silhouettes with more empty space between them. Erik, Courtney, James and Amanda line up for their one shot counts for everything turns.

Erik hits a 3, Courtney misses, James misses, and Amanda hits a 2. Erik has Immunity!!!

As they cut to commercial, production throws in headshots of everyone after the challenge. James looks pensive that he and his nipples of steel didn’t win, and everyone else looks as if they could kill someone or are worried that the end is near. Everyone that is, except Courtney who mugs “cutely” for the camera but looks more pathetic than anything else.

The Plan with a Life of Its Own

Before TC, everyone is scrambling to get everyone together on The Plan. Well, everyone except James of course. James is still thinking about food as he tells us “we get rid of PG, then Eric, and then it’s all cake. I guess he got tired of apples for pie, eh?

Amanda is desperately trying to get Todd on board, since he’s forgotten it was his plan after gifting James with the idols to blindside three weeks ago. He still thinks PG is a threat. When Amanda tries to tell him that PG is no threat, he reminds her that PG has won immunity twice. Amanda sticks to her guns and the two plan to play up taking out PG to James. Denise the Obvious says that “if The Plan doesn’t work and he plays the idol, then one of us is going home.” “That’d be me,” Todd points out to Her Dullness. He looks moderately worried.

PG is still thinking about shaking things up, talking with Erik and playing footsie … with the shelter roof. When she notices an II stuck in the rafters. In a flash of brilliance remembering who sleeps with whom where, she deduces that James has an idol and runs off to Amanda with the news. “Did you know James has an II? When did he get that? How come none of us ever found out?” She’s like the school gossip who can’t pass the news along fast enough. And she suggests The Plan as if it’s an original sin thought. Amanda plays it down, but realizes that she has to keep PG quiet or she will ruin The Plan. She tells PG to just chill, slow down, and for goodness sakes keep her bloody mouth shut. “Act like you’re going home tonight, and everything will be OK.” Pet, pet. Stay calm, girl. PG tries to argue with her, but does eventually agree to The Plan.

When Amanda gets alone with Erik, however, she soon shows she has a plan of her own. “If we both vote for Todd,” she explains, and if James plays his idol, Todd will be out and we will still be here tomorrow. Erik, ever the master of Lisi math, refuses to agree to The Plan because taking out Todd would be “risking to much.” Someone, anyone, please explain this to me in the bar sometime, preferably after two or three el grande margaritas. I think the better execution is to blab to James, using up an idol, and also take out Todd.

In the meantime, James is busy paring a potato. A man’s got to eat to keep up his strength for the challenges. Er, wait. He only needs to win a single IC to guarantee F4. And he hasn’t won anything himself yet. Do you think he realizes it’s a 3-way final council and he can’t use an II at F4? Probably not. He’s not the sharpest cotton ball in the bag. Between the accumulation of food parables and The Plan’s tag-team travels, I’m getting a stomachache.

Amanda soothingly assures James of The New Old Plan of getting rid of the other tribe’s leftovers. He not very subtly and silently gives a thumbs up and mouths to Todd and Courtney who are talking a bit aways about just who owns what percentage of The Plan, that “it’s PG, right?!” Todd apparently doesn’t want to give anything away – maybe just not break up in laughter – so he obliviously continues smacking the mud off his shoes.

After everyone primes James’ pump about The New Old Plan to vote off PG, he says in confessional that he has been the main person holding this alliance together. Without his planning and good shepherding, the sheep would be lost. Something Biblical like that. So lets see, in that Fab Four the only one who hasn’t called themselves the kingpin of this game is Courtney. He also admits that “If someone was going to do something they not s’pose to do, I’d play the idol. I’d have too.” Oh, ya think?

Tribal Council

Everyone goes off to the gravedigger’s last stand. They all sit down, and in comes Jaime, Jean-Robert, and Frosti, the 3 jury members.

Jeff doesn’t waste any time. He tells Denise she is positively beaming. She says that her visit to the Temple has re-energized her, and that she’s ready to play the game. Why, oh why do they wait ‘till episode 10 to remember that this is a game to be played?

Jeff then asks PG about penetration. PG explains that it’s like butting against a wall, with everyone worried about the size of their numbers. She still doesn’t get that even with numbers, size matters.

James then tells Jeff that PG “is doing what she’s supposed to, and is working hard at it all day long, but for him it’s easier to fight from a definite 5 than it is to guess, and take a chance.” He then mentions that the idea of losing to win is a bad idea. “Payback’s a b!tch, PG, ain’t it?” PG takes great offense at this, reminding him that it’s been SHE and ERIK who have managed to win three of the four immunity necklaces, and that they are not losers. She teasingly reaches back and toys with and compliments Erik on his “lovely necklace.” She does remind James that he should watch what he says, as he needs to keep the jury on his side, if he expects them to vote from him. Todd’s head nearly explodes at the way James is being played. Wait, Todd, the danger alarms will sound even louder soon.

Jeff then turns to Todd and very pointedly asks him about trust. Todd says I don’t trust anyone. When he asks James the same question James says that he is confident he can trust the alliance. Denise doesn’t trust anyone either. She chimes in with Lisi math worries about what if she “can’t trust the other 4 of a 5-head alliance and they turn on her? … or anyone else?” Todd soils his shorts. Jeff then asks the tribe if there is anyone who feels absolutely confident that they will still be there in the morning. No one raises their hand except Erik, who raises his hand with index finger up and a happy grin.

Now, had the gravedigger with the nipples of steel actually paid attention to all this, he would have caught the HUGE. RED. FLAG. But he is so used to looking down into a plate or a grave that he totally misses it.

Jeff sends them all off to vote. When he brings the parchment urn back, he says that if anyone has an idol, now would be the time to play it. He and production then treat us to a pause that was not only pregnant, it allowed for labor, delivery, and recovery as well. And still, James misses this obvious HUGE. RED. FLAG., and doesn’t play one of his idols.

The tribe, the jury, and the crew are falling all over themselves laughing. Viewers everywhere are stunned at the newest inductee of Stupidest. Player. Ever. as Jeff reads the votes: Todd, James, PG, James, James, James. Don’t need to see the seventh.

Jeff snuffs him quickly and sends him off with his new matching trivets down the Lex Memorial Walk of Shame, where he will immediately be inducted into the Eternal Hall of Survivor Shame. He already has his tropyhies.

And all he had to say about this in departing confessional was “I guess I should have played them.” What do you think they’ll fetch on eBay?

Next Week on Survivor

Courtney is overwhelmed with emotion. Amanda gets worried and turns on her closest ally, telling Erik she “thinks Todd is playing his own game.” And everyone’s fate is in the hands of Denise. Denise is “definitely the swing vote tonight. For me personally, it’s do or die.” I thought a swing vote caused a win, not a tie, but we’re using Lisi math now.

So what’s The New New Plan? I recommend part one of the plan be to start a fire; we didn't see any this episode.